Thursday, November 6, 2014

Did you ever think, "This is the end?"

Perhaps that this is the end of the road? There is no continuing on from here?

I sure have. Plenty of times. Thinking "this is it, this draws the line".

If that doesn't catch your drift how about this one- you know which direction you are supposed to be going but you close your eyes and walk the opposite way to avoid the truth and its reality.

I can tell you that I've been at both ends several times and am still Lost. That's just it! Lost. I'm a lost child just like many others. I don't know where my place in life is and I keep wandering around wondering what could possibly be left for me out in this big bad world. I constantly hear the word "nothing" being whispered through my ear while my heart tells me to keep going and look for the better things in life.

Why continue to rant? when everyone else is taking the easy way out. Committing their own deaths. Now, that's too overrated and dramatic. I don't think that's ever the right answer. Sure, I have thought of it more times than I can count the years of my existence. It doesn't end there neither will my spirit. If you know me personally, you would know that I will never settle for less.

So if that option is not available, what have I been doing all this time to keep myself sane? Well that's the point. I'm not "sane". I don't think anyone in this lifetime is. Everyone's got their own little "kookoo" inside them.

I just do a better job of hiding it rather than expressing those emotions.

You hear about social help groups, friends and families, but you know what? That doesn't always work. We aren't all born to fit into a cookie cutter. Some have special needs that will require attention.

"Find an outlet" they say... Oh trust me, I have tried several different outlets in life and every single one of them had led me back to step 1. So tell me, "what am I doing wrong"?

I'm not listening to myself. For a split second- I need to just let everything go, drop it, sit and listen. What is my mind and body telling me? What is it that I need? This world is full of chaos and hype and we are too busy for ourselves now.

I am still a Lost child and searching for my inner peace but I pray for all those on a similar journey like mine.

-Just another Lost child,

Friday, April 4, 2014

Love is in the Air?

Where? I need to find me some love! ~ 

I know I know, of all people I should know better than to be a total sap for Hollywood designed love stories that are not realistic.

I just finished the finale of Once Upon a Time in Wonderland, I didn't like the beginning it was super boring and slow but this ending!!! was so BEAUTIFUL.

I even watched Frozen earlier for the first time [properly] and wow... today is just all about love isn't it? I feel like love is in the air! Oh, maybe I Should watch another movie full of love. TEEHEE. I feel like a child again.

Okay, let's go back to reality... I'm in my warm cozy blankies writing this entry and... completely ... let's not go there.

So... as I always like to wonder, "What is love?
"Some people are worth melting for."

When you think of finding "the one" or maybe a "soulmate" in a Christian perspective, we are not to be obsessively looking for the one we are to be with forever but to focus first on God's love for us and he will bring us our "soulmate" eventually in His timing.

It's pretty bad when you watch so many chick-flicks and melodramas that revolve around the idea of love and you just sit there... alone. Wondering when your Prince Charming will come find you right?

I was in my own bubble when it came to avoiding reality about love. People would tell me to snap out of it and that the expectations I held were not practical nor real. I expected my own version of a Prince Charming in shining armor to come save me as a damsel in distress. Of all the Disney princesses out there, what kind of girl doesn't imagine which shoes she would fit in? Till this day, Belle is my most favorite and at one point in my life I thought I might have a love story like hers but not anymore. Maybe Ariel? Or even Cinderella

But you know what? God created us in his special way. Each one of us unique in every way. God has a love story for me too! It just isn't time to open it up yet. I have to be patient and wait for Him. 

Sighs, I'm a girl too though. When I already see friends that are in relationships, getting engaged, or married... it makes me wonder if God has forgotten me? Then again, in all honesty- I am most definitely not ready for a relationship. There's a few more steps I have to take before I could even take on such a challenge. For now, I should be enjoying my singleness.

Somewhere out there, God has my Prince Charming probably on his journey to find me! That isn't to say that he has to do all the work. Of course not! God wants a relationship to be planted in Him first and being closer to God means getting closer to my Prince Charming as well. 

Now, I just feel like I am ranting. I am just absorbed in Frozen's song: Let It Go~ 
"The cold [A.K.A. love] never bothered me anyway".

La La La

Saturday, February 1, 2014

So What's New?

Finally updated all (I think mostly all) of my information to current status. FYI, for those who haven't realized: I finally got an American name, yay me. My name is now Alexandria Hwang (as of August 2013) A.K.A. "Alekkz", I haven't really announced it to the world because I decided to keep it on the down-low.

Let's see, it is a new year and it is already February 1st, oh my. Where has time gone? 2/12 months of 2014 is flying past me! I have so much to do, so little time. Oh me Oh my. 

I created this post... for something but I cannot think of it anymore ... other than  I had a blast singing in a Karaoke room all by myself for an hour and a half with weird disruptions from weird kids thinking I was depressed and lonely (needing company). Uh no, thanks. With the exception of a couple drinks beforehand. 

Oh! Well, congratulations to me, I have quit drinking excessively as an Alcoholic (since my childhood days). Today was kind of one those "cheat days" as people call them. I did not drink too much so I'm okay still.

Goodness, I cannot remember the highlight of this post... oh wells. I guess I will work on sprucing up the rest of my past posts for now. 

Until next time (:

Saturday, December 28, 2013

Time Stands Still.

God tells us to "Be Still" yet I feel like I am stuck on pause, skipping on the record over and over. Being still and time standing still is two different thoughts. In the beginning of this blog, my posts seemed to make my life look chaotic and a never-ending fall; now I am sitting at my very computer typing away about how time has been standing still for my life.

I find it quite despicable when I see myself wasting precious time or just running around in circles getting nowhere in life. That's what it has come down to. Within the past couple weeks, I have said to myself "I have been getting nowhere in life" over a hundred times, okay that is an exaggeration but still! Roughly 20+ times...

Is that not ridiculous? I am quite the reason-er so I know when things are right and what should be done V.S. I know but am going to do it "this way" anyways. Basically, in context, my life seems slow at the moment but within the bigger picture- God is working his hands into my life. I am just stubborn enough to complain about how slow the progress is loading.

My life is currently like the downloading status, rather than 1% ---- 50% ---- to 100% Done, it just drags on as 1% ---- 1.5% ---- 3%---- and so on. No one likes downloading things that take forever, right? But then again our generations have been more impatient as technology becomes quicker.

Currently, working at a restaurant as a server is not a big deal but to me it is. I started waitressing at the age of 18 (not too shabby) and have since worked at probably 5+ different restaurants. In less than a week, I will be 22 years old. Wow, time sure does fly fast (haha, was I not just speaking of time being still?) Anyways, I keep telling myself that this is the last restaurant job I shall ever have- then I shall move onto a job that will advance in my future career.

Psychology is where I am headed as long as God intends so or I will go with whatever other plans He may have for me. I have always been intrigued by the abnormalities of our human selves and what might have possibly gone wrong since the fall of Adam and Eve. That is quite a far while back, is it not? I have a lot of catching up to do, I suppose.

I like to live in a way where everything I do benefits me, others around me, and God. Yet, here I am ... neither benefiting nor helping others. Just as I mentioned, time is standing still. The only thing moving in my life would be money. I work to earn money to pay for bills with money and to feed myself with money, etc. My job is a great paying job with tips coming from here and there but I am not satisfied. Most would be content with working a higher-end sushi restaurant and making $100+ in tips a night but not me. For me, money is not everything. I want to be in a work setting where I can grow spiritually, mentally, and maybe even healthily.

School is another. I have recently been accepted to the University of Washington, Tacoma which will be my first university I will be attending. Before then, I have been in nearly 4+ community colleges/technical college which just felt like running in circles once more.

Do you see where I am getting at now? Running in circles... broken record skipping, time standing still?

I do not want to mope around and say my whole life was pointless because that would be a lie. Everything I have gone through up until now, has been a learning experience and made me who I am today (although I may not be so proud of who I am).

They say the grass is greener on the other side right? Well not too long ago, I was told by a pastor, "The grass is only green on the side you water it". Have I been watering my grass? Or has it withered for 21 years? I think the latter. Or maybe even bits and pieces of my grass is green. I would start watering the grass and give up? Forget? Or simply put, pointless.

I need a change. How many people hear people say that all the time? (uhh.... one too many times). Well I know for a fact, I can sit here and complain about how I want to change my life or I can get up and make a change. Wait, but it isn't that easy... I cannot just drop all my luggage and start fresh... where will I go? What will I wear? What will I eat? I need my luggage to keep me in tact or else... I would be naked.

I have to make smart choices in my change. I have gone through this cycle so many times, "changing" who I am. But am never satisfied... why?

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Call it Fate.

Hey everyone, sorry I have not written in so long! There has been so much going on it is ridiculous. Good news is, I am learning to better myself and have come across some helpful resources. On the other hand, I still am struggling with overcoming my past issues.

This post is not going to be so much about me complaining but more on what God has been focusing in my life lately. I wanted to dedicate this post to someone special out there that might not even know I constantly think about him. Now, I just sound like stalker but hey, God sent this person into my life to show me a door God was opening in my life.

"I am who I am. I have hidden from people, the 'real' me".

Not too long ago, I was on this online dating site just for ol' time sakes because I was feeling a little down and thought of amusing myself with strangers. Usually, I keep my preferences top-notch so the weird people do not message me, although I cannot stop them. This time, which is different from all the other times I have been on dating sites, I wanted to mark a preference for "Christians". For the most part, it is the guys who will message me first rather than me having to initiate a conversation. But I did not feel like playing "Tag you're it, message me" so I peeked on this one profile and liked what I saw.

However, when I "view" someone's profile they would look at mine back and tend to message me if they like what they saw. But this one guy did not message me. But I liked what "I" saw, so I messaged him first. After all, I should take action for what I want, right?

He was a nice guy, he introduced himself with his name and what he does and where he goes to church? Now that normally is not included in a first-time conversation. He asked me where I go and I told him my situation. I could not exactly remember where he said he went because two days later after messaging, he deactivated his account. Bummer, I wanted to chat with him some more. I guess online dating sites was not his thing. That's okay though.

Now the focus of this post comes into play. I have been led astray from the church I have been going to for some time now and decided to take a break. One day, I decided to look around the internet to see what my options for churches were. Of course, I grew up in a Korean church and wanted to stay "connected'. But, that was not what God has intended for me this time around. He wanted me to step outside of my comfort zone. It was time to leave my pride for having the "perfect Korean-Focused" life. I have this complex with anything that has to do with being Korean. That's for another time.

So the guy I messaged with for roughly two days, I had the feeling he told me he attended Champions Centre Church, but then again it was only two days and I completely forgot where  he said he went. Well, I looked up the church on Yelp (as I am a huge Yelper) and noticed it was a somewhat large church. I decided one Saturday night, to attend their service. I thought it would be one of those "Friday Night Services" but on a Saturday. I arrived a little late but I was shocked! So many people? The Worship team looked like I was at a concert? Wow. It was amazing. Talk about, first impressions right? I enjoyed the worship, was eager for the sermon spoken by Pastor Kevin Gerald. He was a great speaker. I felt a connection to this church. The only problem was, majority of the congregation was "American" (whites, blacks, etc) and was so foreign for me. I did not know if I could last more than one service here.

Here I am, two weeks later- still attending Champions Centre. Secretly inside, I hope to find that one guy but who knows if I will ever meet him in person since this church is so huge plus, I do not know if this was the church he mentioned... Now the part about God opening a new door for me, I have been praying for God to guide me to a church where I would be able to grow spiritually. More than anything, I want to learn more about God and how to be in a relationship with Him. Maybe at the time, I was more interested in getting this guy's phone number but stepping back and seeing the bigger picture, I realized God might have sent this guy into my life just to send me a "unintentional message" that had to do with the church.

I took it as a cue and ever since then, I have attended one Saturday service, two Sunday services, and the best part is, I was able to learn about their "Celebrate Recovery" program on Tuesday nights. I have gone to two meetings so far and I am more than blessed to discover Champions Centre and their resources. Celebrate Recovery is kind of like a Church version of "Alcoholics Anonymous" but with more subjects that are covered. I definitely needed this.

I have been suffering from Anger, Alcoholism, Sexual Brokenness, Co-Dependency issues and more. This is where all the broken parts of me come into healing through this church. I am not only learning to step out of my comfort zone but am ready to acknowledge that I need help and healing from God. It is time for me to take action as God has shown me the path I must take in bettering myself. I even found my way to start volunteering at the church. To some, it may sound too soon that I started getting involved only after a mere two weeks, but for me- this is what I have been waiting for my whole life.

Who knows, maybe I will meet that one guy someday and be able to thank him for being a messenger of God to better my life, without even him knowing what he did for me. A step into changing my life for the better.

Monday, September 30, 2013

Patience is key.

It's been months since I last posted and prayed about my life problems but I just wanted to share with everyone this:

It' has been over a year since I had saved up a few thousand dollars since I've been working at part time jobs and helping my dad support the family. Since then, my dad has borrowed portions of my money little by little and in the end he ended up leaving me empty handed. He emptied my pockets and I was left with nothing. He had moved to a different state to start a fresh life [going through mid-life crisis x10] and I lived with a friend for a month and a half at a new job trying to save enough to move into my own apartment. Thanks to God and prayer I was able to achieve my goal into getting my own place. Ever since May, I have been living paycheck to paycheck. I always grew up with enough "padding" in my savings account to not fret or worry about not having enough money. But these past months have been very stressful since after all the bills go out, I would be left with $10-20 and have to start over each month to earn $1000+ that goes out each month...

I kept stressing over how I don't have any "padding" in my savings account except the $300 my dad had sent me, since then, I still have yet to "pad" it further since I am busy buying necessities which lead to no leftover money to put into my savings.

Although I stressed and had a grudge on my dad taking my money and leaving me empty handed, karma doesn't always have to have to be negative. While my dad took my money in the past, his low income has helped me receive a refund for financial aid at school. I have been granted $1300 back on top of the $1400 that had been paid for tuition [through financial aid]. I had been so shocked, I almost ... had a panic attack haha. The "padding" I wanted had come through, God had been listening and preparing me for this. All I had to do is wait because God is ultimately in control.

God has taught me by waiting, that even without a large sum of money sitting in my bank account, that he provides- without a savings account "padding" God has provided  a roof to live under, food to keep full, and even allowed me to spoil myself with a few new things from time to time. If I were not taught patience in this situation, I would have probably spent that large amount of money on materialistic pleasures. But now, I definitely know it's a sign that it goes STRAIGHT to my savings account. No touchy. I have enough without it to support myself as I have been these past few months.

AMEN to our loving God <3

Sunday, June 30, 2013

Go Back In Time.

Don't we all wish that we could go back in time? Change something that we will forever regret? I have plenty and am not so proud of it.

But I woke up this morning, realizing something that has changed my whole world around.

We are so busy thinking about how "society" portrays this, or that? But why do we let what "society" thinks, teach us how to live our lives? I was never a big fan of following what everyone else does. Although there came to a point where the going got tough from standing out from others [which is hard work] and started to follow the crowd.

It's much easier to follow the flow of current rather than try to fight against it right? Yea, I decided to let my strength fail me and followed where the currents would take me. But that was not enough for me, I was not satisfied with following everyone else. I wanted to do my own thing, always have.

In my school days, there is the "you are either a leader or a follower"... I always believed I was a follower. I had no courage or strength to be a leader [although, I always wish I had that trait]. But guess what? Anyone can be a leader, being a leader doesn't mean you stand in front of EVERYONE and literally lead them. That's just a show. A true leader is who will go to the back of the line and make sure your last followers are on track and not falling behind, one that will make sure everyone is safe and comfortable, one that will always BE THERE for you.

I believe I was born as a true leader, maybe not the kind everyone else pictures, but I know I am a leader in every way possible.

I lost four years of my teen years to reckless dating, thinking each guy I dated meant the whole world to me and I didn't need anyone or anything other than him. Boy was I wrong... Since the age of sixteen until twenty... I had no life, but then again, I had no life to begin with. I have always noticed, I hang out with the younger crowd, always around my younger sisters' ages... close to two-four years younger. Why? I think it is because they made me feel young again, they show me what I have been missing out on.

You know those girls and boys who are in a relationship, they slowly pull away from their friends because they are too busy being with their boyfriend/girlfriends? Yea, I was one of them. Till this day, I may still be young, but there are so many things I wish I had done when I was younger.

I always look to date an older guy but when I woke up this morning, dating younger guys isn't wrong [I have done it before], dating older guys just seem to be the norm but who said I follow the "norm" right? This guy I have recently met has slowly started unraveling this complicated thick-layered onion of mine,  and started showing me what I have been missing out on and that I still have a chance to make up for lost time!

Have you ever heard or seen the quotes floating around on facebook that says (not directly quoted, similar), "If you are still single that means God is writing the greatest love story for you right now". The first few times I read this, I didn't think much, just that I have to be patient and wait. Now, it makes sense! What I have had in the past were never "love-filled" relationships, they were space fillers.

After dating many guys, I still don't know what "true love" is or feels like and want to know what it's like to have a love-filled relationship that God has planned out for me since the beginning of time.

I cannot be more thankful than I am right now, to have met someone who can LITERALLY take me back in time and show me all the good times a girl can have with a guy in their teen years, although I am not a teen anymore, I still have a teen mindset for missing out on my "teen" years.

I can't wait to see what becomes of this new relationship that God has sent my way. I like to believe that he is truly God sent because when I first started hanging out with him, he called himself "a gift sent from God".