Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Unconditional [Part 2].

Do soulmates exist?

Growing up, I always told my friends and family that I do believe in a happily ever after and that I will find my knight in shining armor someday.

Did they laugh and mock me? Sure they did.

But who's laughing now? Oh wait, that would be me! 

Oh boy, I'm getting goosebumps just thinking about writing this post because it is my very soulmate that inspires me to continue writing in this blog. 

So what makes my soulmate, my knight in shining armor you may ask?

Well, sorry to get your hopes up but that's a secret.

Now, I've counseled a lot of my friends growing up, whether it be relationship problems/advice, lifestyle choices, or even the simplest of "should I still be friends with her/him?" You know, I even had adults come up to me at some point while I was just in junior high/high school and ask me what life means, why is it so hard, and what can I do about it?

Luckily for them, I didn't have such an oblivious and fun childhood like the rest of them, I already started enduring pain, suffering, and even abuse. So I was able to share a piece of my wisdom and knowledge which then later helped them make some big life-changing choices. 

Any who, unconditional love is the topic for this post so let's stay on track. I brought up the previous comment because everyone believes that finding your "one true love", "prince charming", as well as my "knight in shining armor" means life will be great, right? Like Cinderella's happily ever after?

Nope, sorry friends, unfortunately that's not even the case for me. I endured so many hardships till now, I have been pained and scarred over the years, but still the troubles keep coming.

But that doesn't mean I have to do it alone. Aside from the chemical feeling of "loving" someone "unconditionally", there's much more backbone to it that most people don't see. Unconditional love is like the name of a recipe, there are much that goes in to make the final product. 

For example, how I make my Unconditional Love recipe:

2 cups of love (1 cup for myself and 1 cup for my partner)
2 cups of communication
3 cups of support (1 cup extra in case someone needs extra)
2 cups of respect
4 cups of loyalty (forever is a long time, better stock up)

.. and a sprinkle of humor

That sounds about right. Now, this is my first time making this recipe so there may be more to add as the time goes on but for now, I like how this tastes just fine. 

"A long time ago, I was at a church retreat I believe and a pastor once told the group, there was a man and wife who were extremely wealthy, had a couple of children, and their lives seemed great! 

There is also another couple, man and wife- with no children. They weren't extremely wealthy and were having some financial burden but that didn't stop them from being happy. 

Now both these couples are happy, right? But when the economy crashed the first man lost everything. Literally. His wife had left him and even took the kids. With no money..."

Apparently both of them won the lottery and blah blah okay, I kind of forgot how the story goes but I know the moral of the story because it has always has a place in my heart.

Basically the first wife was all about materialistic pleasures and lived such a comfortable lifestyle but once the family had no money she was panicked and her instincts probably told her to find a rich man to marry. 

The second couple is the one that inspires me the most. When you start a relationship from rock bottom, you build your foundation with nothing but each other. No fancy cars, fine dining at restaurants, and handbags but you give all you can even if love is the only thing you have to give.

*excuse me for a second while I wipe my tears, I seem to be getting emotional*

Where were we? Oh right, so I have met the most wonderful man I could possibly ever dream of by my side yet from the very beginning I kept telling him that I don't have much to offer. There are some in the past who had expected much more of me than I can give, some who have abused what I had, and others just took for granted. 

My partner told me that he's okay with what I don't have but to give wholeheartedly with what I do have and that was my "unconditional love" recipe. He has been worried lately because he has the biggest heart I have ever seen, always wanting to give me the whole world even if I don't ask for it.

We are going through some rough patches because I am currently unemployed as I search for the dreams I have locked away somewhere and seemed to have misplaced.

I am unhappy with the path I stumbled upon being a server for the last six years, confused and disarrayed... as I lose track of what my purpose was from the beginning. So with much support from my partner, I decided to take a big leap of faith and find a job/beginning of a career that I see myself enjoying for the rest of my life. 

As he worries about how we will manage the bills AND still give me the world, I tell him it's okay and that we will fight through it together. There is always a way. 

Saturday, November 5, 2016

Unconditional [Part 1].

Definition: not subject to any conditions

Let's think about those words and have it sink in.. deep into your mind.

Not ..

Subject ..

To ..

Any ..

Conditions ..

Now if I go onto Google and start by typing "unconditional", what would be the top 5 word pairings that would show up?

Let's give it a try.

Okay, that was fail.. I was hoping it would come more along the lines of:

--unconditional love
--unconditional support
--unconditional .. uh.. I'm running out of pairs.. maybe those are the top two..

The image above shows the word: agape.

Which means, unconditional love.

So with this all being said, what does unconditional mean to you?

When I think of the word unconditional. I think of a person who is willing to accept another person as they are, not what they have done in the past, present, or will do in the future but as a whole.

I have struggled to experience this unconditional love that is supposed to be the greatest feeling in the world. I looked in the wrong places, wrong people, and only ended hopeless.

Until the day I met my soulmate.

Sunday, October 16, 2016


So .. I was bored and went on Netflix to watch a movie.. and I ended up watching this one Korean movie called "Hope".

If you haven't heard of it, it's about a young girl who gets kidnapped, raped, and physically beaten... and I graduated in Psychology.. taken classes in family violence.. and mental disorders.. but it hurts each time to see such or hear such stories.. of children being abused in any kind of form.. i.e. mental, physical, sexual..

I've volunteered as well as worked in environments where it's mandatory to watch out for signs of abuse and neglect.. and luckily I don't think I have come close to reporting such case.

I myself.. have been a victim of child abuse as well other forms in my past time .. and it's not easy.

However, I have learned to erase most of those memories and cannot recall... 90% of what has happened to me.. only faint memories of some incidents..

I find myself thankful everyday that I am able to be healthy, try to live a normal life, and function with minimal trauma... and mental damage.

I knew the world was a mean and cruel place.. but it always hurts to hear such stories.. like why? Why does this happen? In the movie... the girl was so badly beaten and raped... that her large intestine was removed, had to surgically create an artificial anus using the small intestine... and it's just so painful..

On snapchat the other day... there was a clip about sex trafficking and that is another part of the world... I keep my prayers.. only if this world was safer and better... for children as well as adults.

Le sighs..

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Happy Lists.

I went to Urban Outfitters today.. thanks to my best friend who likes to shop there because I kind of don't like their style.

Being all nerdy and such, I ended up spending most of my time near the books they had on display.

One of them was called: 52 Lists for Happiness... unfortunately that book was way too pricey for my taste so instead I decided to take a picture of all 52 lists in the contents section.

That gave me an idea earlier on my way home and decided to flashback to our good ol' Myspace days, when we would fill out surveys/questionnaires and post them on our profiles.

I decided to choose 10 of the 52 lists to write out how I am currently feeling in my life! Sounds like fun, right? Plus, I can get my fingers warmed up for a little writing exercise!

Here we go!

1. List what makes you happy right now...

*What makes me happy? Well as of right now, I met my one and only soulmate as of recent and my life couldn't get any better than that! We also just got back from our first official trip together to SoCal and that was an amazing adventure even though we didn't do anything super elaborate.

Oh wait.. I'm suppose to make a list... I'm not in school.. I don't need to write short essays.

Okay, so .. let's see.. hmm..

*My soulmate
*Delilah (my mutt of a dog)
*Friends and family
*A place to call home (moving in one week)
* MY CLAWS! (jk.. acrylic nails... thanks babe)
*The roses in front of me from our trip

3. List the things that you are really good at

*Shopping-Sales & Deals
*Being random

5. List the best choices you have made in your life so far

*Overcoming suicidal thoughts
*Adopting Delilah
*Meeting my soulmate
*Never giving up

8. List all the little things you like to do that don't involve technology

*Quality time with Delilah
*Holding hands with my soulmate
* Eating delicious food
*Going for walks
*Gazing at the stars
*Drinking a glass of wine
*Spending time with friends and family

9. List all the little things that happened today that brought you joy

*Seeing my best friend
*Eating ramen
*Shoe shopping (even though I didn't buy any)
*Taking a nap
*Homemade Chicken Fried Rice and Kimchi
*Seeing my man during his break (about a 20 mile drive)

24. List every color you can think of and what mood you associate with each color

*Red: anger..
*Pink: shy..embarrassed..
*Blue: calm.. cool.. collected..
*Yellow: nervous... antsy..
*White: peace, pure, clean...
*Green: energetic... active..
*Purple: pleasant.. satisfactory...
*Brown: earthy.. grounded..
*Black: darkness.. void... emptiness...
*Orange: stressed... confused..
*Grey: mellow.. down.. gloomy..

So... for green and orange I couldn't think of a mood so I decided to cheat and look online... for clues such as coding for mood rings and such.

28. List the projects you have been meaning to work on and finish

*Work out routine
*Art (painting, crafts, drawing...)
*Learn recipes
*Web Design
*Computer games...
*Walking Delilah

42. List the ways money cannot buy happiness

I thought this one would be easy but it's actually a lot harder than I thought...

*True love
*Real friends
*Happiness itself?

45. List the things, people, and experiences you want to say yes to

*Marry the man of my dreams
*Finding the perfect home
*To a life full of adventures

50. List some images that make you happy

Oh this one's easy peasy!

*Food in general...
*My partner
*Clothes Style
*Nail Designs
*Interior/Exterior Architecture

.. I'm basically listing off what I see most on my instagram! haha..

Okay, I'm pretty exhausted... too much thinking for one night. Good night world!

Saturday, October 1, 2016

As The Rain...

pitter patter.. goes the raindrops above my head.

I've always disliked the rain.

The rain reminds me of the tears I shed at night.. as winter comes, the nights grow colder.

But I guess it's all about perspective, right? I mean for the first time in my life, I didn't think so negatively about the rain. I actually felt a soothing presence as I heard the raindrops hit the rooftop.

Since my last post, a lot has changed. But then again, aren't all my posts dramatic as the gaps grow longer when I don't post?

Today, someone reminded me of the blog I started with a purpose years ago and realized... I should keep it going because it is a reminder of the life long journey I accepted to face.

Whatever happened to the guy I was seeing a few months ago? Let's just say it was another trial and error type of experience in life. I mean, I have dated all kinds of guys from one of the spectrum to another but the last one was the most difficult.

You know why?

Here's a little tip for those who are lost:
"Don't ever let your guard down no matter how sweetly they whisper into your ears".

I had the unfortunate experience of letting my guard down fully only to experience the worst type of heartache possible. There were so many promises made yet... all I ended up with was stepping on shards of glass. The mirror I was looking into was only a fantasy, one that cannot be obtained.

Don't you ever believe in such empty promises. This world is full of emptiness, lies, and pain but don't lose hope because through every storm, comes a rainbow.

I have found my rainbow at last.

Friday, July 29, 2016

The Future.

Have I finally met the one who I will venture this so-called journey with? The path people call "life"?

I can't seem to remember all the details of what I do throughout the day so I decided to write down the moments I spend with him.

There are an infinite number of moments I am not proud of... My past belongs in the past. There's no need to bring up something that's happened and gone. I am on a life-long expedition to accept myself for who I am and not what I am. I expect the same of the person I plan on spending the rest of my days with. 

Life is just a deck of cards waiting to be dealt. You never know which cards you will receive, whether they will be a winning hand or a losing one. You can't win if you don't try... 

Tonight, I decided to put my all in, regardless if I come out a winner or if I end up losing everything. 

I want to be with someone who can accept all of me. Not 99.9999% but 100% maybe even 110%!

Wait, scratch that thought, not "want"; I need someone who can accept me as a whole. 

When I walked out of his car the other night, I thought it was the end. There was no way this was going to continue... I mean I felt like I should have stayed in the car to talk about what happened but ... I was afraid. I was too scared to hear what would come out of his mouth.

I know when I am not wanted... and I didn't want to be rejected in that manner. 

He texted me and said let's think about things for a few days and talk about what's going to happen. 

I agreed, but today was one of the hardest days of my life. Not seeing him? I felt like I was slowly dying from the inside out. I wanted to see him so badly... but I told myself I had to wait till tomorrow. 

As it turns out, I wasn't the only one feeling this way. He wanted to see me too. We met up and had the talk we were waiting for ... and with him, it's always "all or nothing". There is no half-assing something, either you do or don't. 

I wanted to show him how I truly felt... but I was afraid once more. What did I have to lose right? I mean I lost everything already but something about him... I felt I needed to keep my guard up. I've been hurt so many times before that I've become numb to everything.

But with him? I felt something. For once, in a really long time, I felt like I was human again... He made me feel like I was a real person.

Since the moment I met him, he felt unappreciative of the acts of service he presented towards me but deep down all I could think about is... how I lack so much... I am unworthy of a being such as him... What could I possibly offer him?

I don't know if he can still accept me as a whole and love me unconditionally but I have to try right? I have to take a leap of faith... 

Monday, March 28, 2016

Day 3.

I had my wisdom teeth surgically removed three days ago as of today and I am a little concerned with the fact that I am not in major pain.

Stories have been told and whispered into my ears about how getting your wisdom teeth extracted is extremely painful for the first couple days and usually the third day is the worst.

(a bit of swelling)

So far, I have only taken one ibuprofen a day to help with the minor soreness of my jaw but nothing excruciating has happened so far.

I mean I know I should be glad that I'm not in so much pain but I find it a little odd, it's not like I'm superhuman or anything.

Anyways, I'm still bleeding and that's the most bothersome it gets. I have attempted to eat half of my pho noodles yesterday, some broccoli and cheese soup (which wasn't as great since it was from a can), and my attempt to eat a corndog before all that was just ridiculous.

Luckily, I got them extracted (bottom two) on Saturday so I had a couple days to rest and today I'm back on my feet to work my 8-9 hour shift till Friday.

Hopefully I can shed a couple unwanted pounds, eat a bit cleaner, and start my health journey that I've been procrastinating on for awhile...