Sunday, October 16, 2016


So .. I was bored and went on Netflix to watch a movie.. and I ended up watching this one Korean movie called "Hope".

If you haven't heard of it, it's about a young girl who gets kidnapped, raped, and physically beaten... and I graduated in Psychology.. taken classes in family violence.. and mental disorders.. but it hurts each time to see such or hear such stories.. of children being abused in any kind of form.. i.e. mental, physical, sexual..

I've volunteered as well as worked in environments where it's mandatory to watch out for signs of abuse and neglect.. and luckily I don't think I have come close to reporting such case.

I myself.. have been a victim of child abuse as well other forms in my past time .. and it's not easy.

However, I have learned to erase most of those memories and cannot recall... 90% of what has happened to me.. only faint memories of some incidents..

I find myself thankful everyday that I am able to be healthy, try to live a normal life, and function with minimal trauma... and mental damage.

I knew the world was a mean and cruel place.. but it always hurts to hear such stories.. like why? Why does this happen? In the movie... the girl was so badly beaten and raped... that her large intestine was removed, had to surgically create an artificial anus using the small intestine... and it's just so painful..

On snapchat the other day... there was a clip about sex trafficking and that is another part of the world... I keep my prayers.. only if this world was safer and better... for children as well as adults.

Le sighs..

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Happy Lists.

I went to Urban Outfitters today.. thanks to my best friend who likes to shop there because I kind of don't like their style.

Being all nerdy and such, I ended up spending most of my time near the books they had on display.

One of them was called: 52 Lists for Happiness... unfortunately that book was way too pricey for my taste so instead I decided to take a picture of all 52 lists in the contents section.

That gave me an idea earlier on my way home and decided to flashback to our good ol' Myspace days, when we would fill out surveys/questionnaires and post them on our profiles.

I decided to choose 10 of the 52 lists to write out how I am currently feeling in my life! Sounds like fun, right? Plus, I can get my fingers warmed up for a little writing exercise!

Here we go!

1. List what makes you happy right now...

*What makes me happy? Well as of right now, I met my one and only soulmate as of recent and my life couldn't get any better than that! We also just got back from our first official trip together to SoCal and that was an amazing adventure even though we didn't do anything super elaborate.

Oh wait.. I'm suppose to make a list... I'm not in school.. I don't need to write short essays.

Okay, so .. let's see.. hmm..

*My soulmate
*Delilah (my mutt of a dog)
*Friends and family
*A place to call home (moving in one week)
* MY CLAWS! (jk.. acrylic nails... thanks babe)
*The roses in front of me from our trip

3. List the things that you are really good at

*Shopping-Sales & Deals
*Being random

5. List the best choices you have made in your life so far

*Overcoming suicidal thoughts
*Adopting Delilah
*Meeting my soulmate
*Never giving up

8. List all the little things you like to do that don't involve technology

*Quality time with Delilah
*Holding hands with my soulmate
* Eating delicious food
*Going for walks
*Gazing at the stars
*Drinking a glass of wine
*Spending time with friends and family

9. List all the little things that happened today that brought you joy

*Seeing my best friend
*Eating ramen
*Shoe shopping (even though I didn't buy any)
*Taking a nap
*Homemade Chicken Fried Rice and Kimchi
*Seeing my man during his break (about a 20 mile drive)

24. List every color you can think of and what mood you associate with each color

*Red: anger..
*Pink: shy..embarrassed..
*Blue: calm.. cool.. collected..
*Yellow: nervous... antsy..
*White: peace, pure, clean...
*Green: energetic... active..
*Purple: pleasant.. satisfactory...
*Brown: earthy.. grounded..
*Black: darkness.. void... emptiness...
*Orange: stressed... confused..
*Grey: mellow.. down.. gloomy..

So... for green and orange I couldn't think of a mood so I decided to cheat and look online... for clues such as coding for mood rings and such.

28. List the projects you have been meaning to work on and finish

*Work out routine
*Art (painting, crafts, drawing...)
*Learn recipes
*Web Design
*Computer games...
*Walking Delilah

42. List the ways money cannot buy happiness

I thought this one would be easy but it's actually a lot harder than I thought...

*True love
*Real friends
*Happiness itself?

45. List the things, people, and experiences you want to say yes to

*Marry the man of my dreams
*Finding the perfect home
*To a life full of adventures

50. List some images that make you happy

Oh this one's easy peasy!

*Food in general...
*My partner
*Clothes Style
*Nail Designs
*Interior/Exterior Architecture

.. I'm basically listing off what I see most on my instagram! haha..

Okay, I'm pretty exhausted... too much thinking for one night. Good night world!

Saturday, October 1, 2016

As The Rain...

pitter patter.. goes the raindrops above my head.

I've always disliked the rain.

The rain reminds me of the tears I shed at night.. as winter comes, the nights grow colder.

But I guess it's all about perspective, right? I mean for the first time in my life, I didn't think so negatively about the rain. I actually felt a soothing presence as I heard the raindrops hit the rooftop.

Since my last post, a lot has changed. But then again, aren't all my posts dramatic as the gaps grow longer when I don't post?

Today, someone reminded me of the blog I started with a purpose years ago and realized... I should keep it going because it is a reminder of the life long journey I accepted to face.

Whatever happened to the guy I was seeing a few months ago? Let's just say it was another trial and error type of experience in life. I mean, I have dated all kinds of guys from one of the spectrum to another but the last one was the most difficult.

You know why?

Here's a little tip for those who are lost:
"Don't ever let your guard down no matter how sweetly they whisper into your ears".

I had the unfortunate experience of letting my guard down fully only to experience the worst type of heartache possible. There were so many promises made yet... all I ended up with was stepping on shards of glass. The mirror I was looking into was only a fantasy, one that cannot be obtained.

Don't you ever believe in such empty promises. This world is full of emptiness, lies, and pain but don't lose hope because through every storm, comes a rainbow.

I have found my rainbow at last.

Friday, July 29, 2016

The Future.

Have I finally met the one who I will venture this so-called journey with? The path people call "life"?

I can't seem to remember all the details of what I do throughout the day so I decided to write down the moments I spend with him.

There are an infinite number of moments I am not proud of... My past belongs in the past. There's no need to bring up something that's happened and gone. I am on a life-long expedition to accept myself for who I am and not what I am. I expect the same of the person I plan on spending the rest of my days with. 

Life is just a deck of cards waiting to be dealt. You never know which cards you will receive, whether they will be a winning hand or a losing one. You can't win if you don't try... 

Tonight, I decided to put my all in, regardless if I come out a winner or if I end up losing everything. 

I want to be with someone who can accept all of me. Not 99.9999% but 100% maybe even 110%!

Wait, scratch that thought, not "want"; I need someone who can accept me as a whole. 

When I walked out of his car the other night, I thought it was the end. There was no way this was going to continue... I mean I felt like I should have stayed in the car to talk about what happened but ... I was afraid. I was too scared to hear what would come out of his mouth.

I know when I am not wanted... and I didn't want to be rejected in that manner. 

He texted me and said let's think about things for a few days and talk about what's going to happen. 

I agreed, but today was one of the hardest days of my life. Not seeing him? I felt like I was slowly dying from the inside out. I wanted to see him so badly... but I told myself I had to wait till tomorrow. 

As it turns out, I wasn't the only one feeling this way. He wanted to see me too. We met up and had the talk we were waiting for ... and with him, it's always "all or nothing". There is no half-assing something, either you do or don't. 

I wanted to show him how I truly felt... but I was afraid once more. What did I have to lose right? I mean I lost everything already but something about him... I felt I needed to keep my guard up. I've been hurt so many times before that I've become numb to everything.

But with him? I felt something. For once, in a really long time, I felt like I was human again... He made me feel like I was a real person.

Since the moment I met him, he felt unappreciative of the acts of service he presented towards me but deep down all I could think about is... how I lack so much... I am unworthy of a being such as him... What could I possibly offer him?

I don't know if he can still accept me as a whole and love me unconditionally but I have to try right? I have to take a leap of faith... 

Monday, March 28, 2016

Day 3.

I had my wisdom teeth surgically removed three days ago as of today and I am a little concerned with the fact that I am not in major pain.

Stories have been told and whispered into my ears about how getting your wisdom teeth extracted is extremely painful for the first couple days and usually the third day is the worst.

(a bit of swelling)

So far, I have only taken one ibuprofen a day to help with the minor soreness of my jaw but nothing excruciating has happened so far.

I mean I know I should be glad that I'm not in so much pain but I find it a little odd, it's not like I'm superhuman or anything.

Anyways, I'm still bleeding and that's the most bothersome it gets. I have attempted to eat half of my pho noodles yesterday, some broccoli and cheese soup (which wasn't as great since it was from a can), and my attempt to eat a corndog before all that was just ridiculous.

Luckily, I got them extracted (bottom two) on Saturday so I had a couple days to rest and today I'm back on my feet to work my 8-9 hour shift till Friday.

Hopefully I can shed a couple unwanted pounds, eat a bit cleaner, and start my health journey that I've been procrastinating on for awhile...

Sunday, March 13, 2016

Body Image.

For those of you who know me personally or seen me walk the streets, people say "You are not FAT. You are so skinny..."

Society has brainwashed people into thinking that if you aren't huge as an elephant or have visible rolls sticking out of your abdomen, you aren't really considered fat.

Maybe in the past, I misused the words "I'm so FAT". I have changed my wording and now I say I am not fat necessarily but have stubborn areas that make me feel insecure. 

This is one of the most difficult topics to be writing about but the first step of recover is admitting that I have a problem. 

I was never morbidly obese, thankfully but I do have a sister who struggles with weight issues as well. 

I have always considered myself to unattractivefat, and pathetic. I also have a major issue with stress-eating. As well as bored-eating but the stress eats are my main concern. I usually don't have much of an appetite to begin with throughout the day but over the years, my stress levels have sky-rocketed into the galaxies beyond and you know what that means...

Galaxies full of binge-eating unnecessary junk... I am constantly eating and if I am not, I find an excuse to roam around the fridge and pantries looking for something to eat. 

People have told me many times over: 
1. go to the gym
2. work out
3. keep yourself busy
4. find an activity you enjoy..

I have tried to restrain myself from buying junk food and eating clean... that only lasts for so long.

I have signed up for over 3+ gym memberships in my lifetime and each has failed pathetically...
Something about going to the gym... disgusts me. I hate it from the inside out ... I just get so emotionally drained when I think about going to the gym.. 

I tried yoga a couple times but that failed mainly due to a lack of motivation however yoga is something I really want to discipline myself to do on a regular basis. For the purposes of: 

1. Mind and Body connection
2. Toning
3. Finding peace
4. Flexibility

I"m not the type of person who's blindly obsessed with losing weight without trying. I admire hard work and dedication but I lack so much discipline... I can't find myself to stick to anything I give a try. 

I constantly compare myself to other girls who are slender... fit and toned.. I ask myself why I can't be like that? And I know I can!! I do ... just that MOTIVATION is somewhere in the ocean and I need to fish it out.

I don't know what to do.. because I feel like I'm falling into a never-ending black hole each time I look at myself in the mirror... or trying on clothes that don't look good because of my fat... I just want to crawl up into a ball and cry...

Friday, February 19, 2016

Happiness Is A Choice.

You're right, happiness is definitely a choice.

I feel that as a child, we grow up without the weight upon our shoulders of worry, stress, and pain. As we blow out more candles over the years, the more stress we pile on...

I have made some major sacrifices this past month in making the choice to create my happiness.

1. I am giving up the luxury of making a good money working elsewhere.
2. I am giving up more hours in my day to get paid less at a job to build experience.
3. I am not giving up the hope I have always held dear to my heart in achieving my dreams.

Why do I feel like the whole world is against me? Each time something good happens, bad news seems to always be right around the corner.


Scratch everything I wrote in the previous post below.

I decided to do some major brainstorming on working with the skills I have already rather than create a whole new pile of messes.

When it came down to creating pros and cons about myself... there weren't many pros at all.

One of the two things I am great at is: working with children. I have always had a heart for working with kids but those dreams were shot early on in my life when I got greedy with money and decided I wouldn't make a decent living working in that career field.

It was a long detour but in the end, beggars can't be choosers. I decided to let down my pride and start from the bottom up. I am extremely scatter-brained and think too much about what could happen when I should be focusing on what NEEDS to happen.

I recently got accepted for a beginner position at a preschool: teacher's assistant. It's not the most glamorous title but I only have a background in the restaurant industry so I have to start somewhere.

Hopefully, this will open up much more opportunities for me in the future and I am just going to take my time and see where this leads.