Friday, July 29, 2016

The Future.

Have I finally met the one who I will venture this so-called journey with? The path people call "life"?

I can't seem to remember all the details of what I do throughout the day so I decided to write down the moments I spend with him.

There are an infinite number of moments I am not proud of... My past belongs in the past. There's no need to bring up something that's happened and gone. I am on a life-long expedition to accept myself for who I am and not what I am. I expect the same of the person I plan on spending the rest of my days with. 

Life is just a deck of cards waiting to be dealt. You never know which cards you will receive, whether they will be a winning hand or a losing one. You can't win if you don't try... 

Tonight, I decided to put my all in, regardless if I come out a winner or if I end up losing everything. 

I want to be with someone who can accept all of me. Not 99.9999% but 100% maybe even 110%!

Wait, scratch that thought, not "want"; I need someone who can accept me as a whole. 

When I walked out of his car the other night, I thought it was the end. There was no way this was going to continue... I mean I felt like I should have stayed in the car to talk about what happened but ... I was afraid. I was too scared to hear what would come out of his mouth.

I know when I am not wanted... and I didn't want to be rejected in that manner. 

He texted me and said let's think about things for a few days and talk about what's going to happen. 

I agreed, but today was one of the hardest days of my life. Not seeing him? I felt like I was slowly dying from the inside out. I wanted to see him so badly... but I told myself I had to wait till tomorrow. 

As it turns out, I wasn't the only one feeling this way. He wanted to see me too. We met up and had the talk we were waiting for ... and with him, it's always "all or nothing". There is no half-assing something, either you do or don't. 

I wanted to show him how I truly felt... but I was afraid once more. What did I have to lose right? I mean I lost everything already but something about him... I felt I needed to keep my guard up. I've been hurt so many times before that I've become numb to everything.

But with him? I felt something. For once, in a really long time, I felt like I was human again... He made me feel like I was a real person.

Since the moment I met him, he felt unappreciative of the acts of service he presented towards me but deep down all I could think about is... how I lack so much... I am unworthy of a being such as him... What could I possibly offer him?

I don't know if he can still accept me as a whole and love me unconditionally but I have to try right? I have to take a leap of faith... 

Monday, March 28, 2016

Day 3.

I had my wisdom teeth surgically removed three days ago as of today and I am a little concerned with the fact that I am not in major pain.

Stories have been told and whispered into my ears about how getting your wisdom teeth extracted is extremely painful for the first couple days and usually the third day is the worst.

(a bit of swelling)

So far, I have only taken one ibuprofen a day to help with the minor soreness of my jaw but nothing excruciating has happened so far.

I mean I know I should be glad that I'm not in so much pain but I find it a little odd, it's not like I'm superhuman or anything.

Anyways, I'm still bleeding and that's the most bothersome it gets. I have attempted to eat half of my pho noodles yesterday, some broccoli and cheese soup (which wasn't as great since it was from a can), and my attempt to eat a corndog before all that was just ridiculous.

Luckily, I got them extracted (bottom two) on Saturday so I had a couple days to rest and today I'm back on my feet to work my 8-9 hour shift till Friday.

Hopefully I can shed a couple unwanted pounds, eat a bit cleaner, and start my health journey that I've been procrastinating on for awhile...

Sunday, March 13, 2016

Body Image.

For those of you who know me personally or seen me walk the streets, people say "You are not FAT. You are so skinny..."

Society has brainwashed people into thinking that if you aren't huge as an elephant or have visible rolls sticking out of your abdomen, you aren't really considered fat.

Maybe in the past, I misused the words "I'm so FAT". I have changed my wording and now I say I am not fat necessarily but have stubborn areas that make me feel insecure. 

This is one of the most difficult topics to be writing about but the first step of recover is admitting that I have a problem. 

I was never morbidly obese, thankfully but I do have a sister who struggles with weight issues as well. 

I have always considered myself to unattractivefat, and pathetic. I also have a major issue with stress-eating. As well as bored-eating but the stress eats are my main concern. I usually don't have much of an appetite to begin with throughout the day but over the years, my stress levels have sky-rocketed into the galaxies beyond and you know what that means...

Galaxies full of binge-eating unnecessary junk... I am constantly eating and if I am not, I find an excuse to roam around the fridge and pantries looking for something to eat. 

People have told me many times over: 
1. go to the gym
2. work out
3. keep yourself busy
4. find an activity you enjoy..

I have tried to restrain myself from buying junk food and eating clean... that only lasts for so long.

I have signed up for over 3+ gym memberships in my lifetime and each has failed pathetically...
Something about going to the gym... disgusts me. I hate it from the inside out ... I just get so emotionally drained when I think about going to the gym.. 

I tried yoga a couple times but that failed mainly due to a lack of motivation however yoga is something I really want to discipline myself to do on a regular basis. For the purposes of: 

1. Mind and Body connection
2. Toning
3. Finding peace
4. Flexibility

I"m not the type of person who's blindly obsessed with losing weight without trying. I admire hard work and dedication but I lack so much discipline... I can't find myself to stick to anything I give a try. 

I constantly compare myself to other girls who are slender... fit and toned.. I ask myself why I can't be like that? And I know I can!! I do ... just that MOTIVATION is somewhere in the ocean and I need to fish it out.

I don't know what to do.. because I feel like I'm falling into a never-ending black hole each time I look at myself in the mirror... or trying on clothes that don't look good because of my fat... I just want to crawl up into a ball and cry...

Friday, February 19, 2016

Happiness Is A Choice.

You're right, happiness is definitely a choice.

I feel that as a child, we grow up without the weight upon our shoulders of worry, stress, and pain. As we blow out more candles over the years, the more stress we pile on...

I have made some major sacrifices this past month in making the choice to create my happiness.

1. I am giving up the luxury of making a good money working elsewhere.
2. I am giving up more hours in my day to get paid less at a job to build experience.
3. I am not giving up the hope I have always held dear to my heart in achieving my dreams.

Why do I feel like the whole world is against me? Each time something good happens, bad news seems to always be right around the corner.


Scratch everything I wrote in the previous post below.

I decided to do some major brainstorming on working with the skills I have already rather than create a whole new pile of messes.

When it came down to creating pros and cons about myself... there weren't many pros at all.

One of the two things I am great at is: working with children. I have always had a heart for working with kids but those dreams were shot early on in my life when I got greedy with money and decided I wouldn't make a decent living working in that career field.

It was a long detour but in the end, beggars can't be choosers. I decided to let down my pride and start from the bottom up. I am extremely scatter-brained and think too much about what could happen when I should be focusing on what NEEDS to happen.

I recently got accepted for a beginner position at a preschool: teacher's assistant. It's not the most glamorous title but I only have a background in the restaurant industry so I have to start somewhere.

Hopefully, this will open up much more opportunities for me in the future and I am just going to take my time and see where this leads.

Friday, January 22, 2016

Down the Drain.

Remember when the Powerball hit up to $1.6 billion dollars? Wow, everyone really thought they had a shot, right? Well I did too, I really really thought, I had a shot at winning that much money.

It turns out, that my luck wasn't ready to be drawn.

Do you know what I could do with that much money? Well anyone in general, could do so much.

Anyways, I'm here today to update my status on:

1. I quit my job as of two days ago and could not have made a better choice.
2. Now that I am graduated, I want to pursue a skill/trait to advance my future career.
3. I will probably be broke and be living off of pennies I find off the streets.

Just kidding, well not really. 

I quit my job because I was unhappy for several months, unfortunately I was only employed at the restaurant for "several" months. Started back in August to be specific.

I moved to Portland from Tacoma/Seattle back in July and started this job, with hope that things would go well for once.

Nope, after the first month or two, things started getting ugly but I decided to stick around a bit longer hoping the waves would crash and calm down. 

I'd rather not discuss how painful this upbringing was so on with the next topic on hand.

People usually go to school to achieve a degree that leads to pursuing a career, right? Like an actual job not a part time job as a server or something.

Well I keep telling myself that I have to be a server until ____ amount of time, until ____ is complete, but the truth is: it pays the bills. We all have to make a living to pay the bills and even pay for school.

I recently graduated with a Bachelor's in Psychology and some say you can't find a career with just a "Bachelor's" in Psychology but in my case, that seems to be true. My goal is to tie nutrition and psychology together and have been doing some research. 

Luckily for me, there is a new branch of Psychology that is expanding called "Nutritional Psychology" which is still under the "Health Psychology" field but emerging. In order for me to take that path, I would have to enroll in a accredited graduate school for my doctorate. To get that far, I would need quite a handful of money to even pay for graduate school.

Where does that leave me?

I had an extremely long hair appointment yesterday and had a lot of time to think what I should do... to get from Point A to Point B.

Point A being: graduated with a Bachelor's and Point B being: attending graduate school for a PsyD. 

In between Point A and Point B, I need a middle plan, probably a skill or trait that could make me some money beyond a "part-time" job. Something more... professional.

Well, I have always wanted to attending baking school, that could be fun but I have also done research and it's just extremely pricey for me to handle.

I'm willing to take chances though, if I have to rack up some student loans, so be it. I have been thankful enough to get by undergraduate school with very minimal student loans thanks to financial aid and this time around, I might just tack on a few thousand so I can get moving in the direction I want to achieve.

Lastly, I don't know what kind of job I will be looking for in the next upcoming weeks, I am done with the serving industry, it pays the bills but the stress takes such a large toll on my health, I don't think I can continue.

Sunday, January 3, 2016

Hands In Pockets.

Sometimes, you get excited about the small things you hold in your hands within your pockets. 
Sometimes, you just want to show the world what you have. 
But, sometimes you should keep it to yourself and enjoy the moment while you can.

I learned a couple days ago, that sometimes you don't have to share with the world what makes you happy because the spotlight tends to be drawn away by other people who are curious as to how you achieved that happiness. 

Finding happiness is like a pot of gold, you know it's at the end of a rainbow but where does the rainbow end? 

If you let everyone know that you have a lead on that pot of gold, many others might try and take it from you first. 

Enjoy the moments while you can, let the distractions fade, and find your happiness. I also learned that happiness isn't a destination but rather an endless journey people seek. I have been experiencing a glimpse of what happiness feels like after all these years of searching and I would not trade it for the world! 

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Quick Update!

This is just a quick update as to what is coming:

1. I am officially done with all my course requirements and I will be awaiting my diploma in the mail anxiously!

2. Life has been a bumpy roller coaster ride as usual.

3. My journey has led me to reside in Portland for the time being.

4. I look forward to taking a year off and enjoying some 'me' time.

5. I will be creating a more detailed post in the next week or two.

*Note to self: You did it! 
You accomplished the difficult task of graduating and committing to the goal.