Thursday, January 1, 2015

2015 Here I am!

Is it just me or did others anticipate 2015 to be the beginning to a great ending? Not to say that our time is ending any time soon but ~ I have waited so long for my life to turn a new leaf.

I recently was referred to watch a documentary called "The Secret". One thing I took out of that documentary was the "Law of Attraction".

Pertaining to the idea that a person's emotions and thoughts can attract positive experiences to flourish in their lives. I have been trying to think more positively and I don't know if it has been working but things seem to be going well.

I put 2015 on a pedestal for the remainder of 2014 hoping it will be the beginning of a new era for me. Not even a chapter, a whole "era" is what I need in my life. Things have been so topsy-turvy that I am just sick to my stomach (metaphorically speaking).

Today is the first day of the year of 2015 and I am so glad to have put 2014 behind me so that I may be able to move forward. It's not about what other people think about me, how they can enforce rules upon me (mainly parents), or what I think about how people see me. It's time to be myself 100% without any exceptions.

I am a free soul to travel the depths of this world on an everlasting journey. This blog awaits my future trips on where life will take me.

Until next time,
XOXO Alekkz

Friday, December 19, 2014

A Single Bloom.

... is all it takes to change one's life. Whether you are new to this blog or a lovely follower (whom I apologize for being so inconsistent...), I started this blog in spite of ranting and keeping record of how wishy-washy roller-coaster-y ... my life is. As your read, you can tell that there has been some temporarily exciting events that may have come to be. For the most part it has been painful and gruesome.

"So why is she here again... it's not like she keeps us up to date on what her life is about like she said she would?" Because this is my blog and I do what I want. Yep, I said it. Honestly, this isn't the blog I write so that people would find it inspiring? Nah. I just write a bunch of rand stuff.

What's new? Recently I just found out that I won't be graduating college in the upcoming Spring... Why? I somehow missed the part where it says I need 53 more credits to graduate whereas I looked only at the degree requirements for my major. Basically, my whole plans on re-moving back to California has been a bust. Take 105, scene 1.... I don't even know how many times I have tried to escape this dreaded place called Washington.. nonetheless Tacoma.

Next... I was about to go to the bestest rave a newbie girl can imagine but that was a fail too. I was planning on going to EDC Las Vegas and that's what a raver girl dreams of until TomorrowLand and the bigger ones in Europe haha. Within the states anyways... Me not being able to go is for another time to share.

Thanksgiving was a turnover... definitely declared war on my dad's side of the family... because they are just... can't even say.

Other than that.. I think things are going alright.. OH RIGHT... I totally spaced on what this post was supposed to be about!

Silly me... I guess that's another thing I should mention... I started my THC ways in life and woo, it floods my mind with inspiring/wisdom-filled thoughts.

I don't want to jinx myself but things seem to be turning a new leaf for me in life. I will have to wait a little longer to find out if it's too good to be true like it usually is... for me.

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Did you ever think, "This is the end?"

Perhaps that this is the end of the road? There is no continuing on from here?

I sure have. Plenty of times. Thinking "this is it, this draws the line".

If that doesn't catch your drift how about this one- you know which direction you are supposed to be going but you close your eyes and walk the opposite way to avoid the truth and its reality.

I can tell you that I've been at both ends several times and am still Lost. That's just it! Lost. I'm a lost child just like many others. I don't know where my place in life is and I keep wandering around wondering what could possibly be left for me out in this big bad world. I constantly hear the word "nothing" being whispered through my ear while my heart tells me to keep going and look for the better things in life.

Why continue to rant? when everyone else is taking the easy way out. Committing their own deaths. Now, that's too overrated and dramatic. I don't think that's ever the right answer. Sure, I have thought of it more times than I can count the years of my existence. It doesn't end there neither will my spirit. If you know me personally, you would know that I will never settle for less.

So if that option is not available, what have I been doing all this time to keep myself sane? Well that's the point. I'm not "sane". I don't think anyone in this lifetime is. Everyone's got their own little "kookoo" inside them.

I just do a better job of hiding it rather than expressing those emotions.

You hear about social help groups, friends and families, but you know what? That doesn't always work. We aren't all born to fit into a cookie cutter. Some have special needs that will require attention.

"Find an outlet" they say... Oh trust me, I have tried several different outlets in life and every single one of them had led me back to step 1. So tell me, "what am I doing wrong"?

I'm not listening to myself. For a split second- I need to just let everything go, drop it, sit and listen. What is my mind and body telling me? What is it that I need? This world is full of chaos and hype and we are too busy for ourselves now.

I am still a Lost child and searching for my inner peace but I pray for all those on a similar journey like mine.

-Just another Lost child,

Friday, April 4, 2014

Love is in the Air?

Where? I need to find me some love! ~ 

I know I know, of all people I should know better than to be a total sap for Hollywood designed love stories that are not realistic.

I just finished the finale of Once Upon a Time in Wonderland, I didn't like the beginning it was super boring and slow but this ending!!! was so BEAUTIFUL.

I even watched Frozen earlier for the first time [properly] and wow... today is just all about love isn't it? I feel like love is in the air! Oh, maybe I Should watch another movie full of love. TEEHEE. I feel like a child again.

Okay, let's go back to reality... I'm in my warm cozy blankies writing this entry and... completely ... let's not go there.

So... as I always like to wonder, "What is love?
"Some people are worth melting for."

When you think of finding "the one" or maybe a "soulmate" in a Christian perspective, we are not to be obsessively looking for the one we are to be with forever but to focus first on God's love for us and he will bring us our "soulmate" eventually in His timing.

It's pretty bad when you watch so many chick-flicks and melodramas that revolve around the idea of love and you just sit there... alone. Wondering when your Prince Charming will come find you right?

I was in my own bubble when it came to avoiding reality about love. People would tell me to snap out of it and that the expectations I held were not practical nor real. I expected my own version of a Prince Charming in shining armor to come save me as a damsel in distress. Of all the Disney princesses out there, what kind of girl doesn't imagine which shoes she would fit in? Till this day, Belle is my most favorite and at one point in my life I thought I might have a love story like hers but not anymore. Maybe Ariel? Or even Cinderella

But you know what? God created us in his special way. Each one of us unique in every way. God has a love story for me too! It just isn't time to open it up yet. I have to be patient and wait for Him. 

Sighs, I'm a girl too though. When I already see friends that are in relationships, getting engaged, or married... it makes me wonder if God has forgotten me? Then again, in all honesty- I am most definitely not ready for a relationship. There's a few more steps I have to take before I could even take on such a challenge. For now, I should be enjoying my singleness.

Somewhere out there, God has my Prince Charming probably on his journey to find me! That isn't to say that he has to do all the work. Of course not! God wants a relationship to be planted in Him first and being closer to God means getting closer to my Prince Charming as well. 

Now, I just feel like I am ranting. I am just absorbed in Frozen's song: Let It Go~ 
"The cold [A.K.A. love] never bothered me anyway".

La La La

Saturday, February 1, 2014

So What's New?

Finally updated all (I think mostly all) of my information to current status. FYI, for those who haven't realized: I finally got an American name, yay me. My name is now Alexandria Hwang (as of August 2013) A.K.A. "Alekkz", I haven't really announced it to the world because I decided to keep it on the down-low.

Let's see, it is a new year and it is already February 1st, oh my. Where has time gone? 2/12 months of 2014 is flying past me! I have so much to do, so little time. Oh me Oh my. 

I created this post... for something but I cannot think of it anymore ... other than  I had a blast singing in a Karaoke room all by myself for an hour and a half with weird disruptions from weird kids thinking I was depressed and lonely (needing company). Uh no, thanks. With the exception of a couple drinks beforehand. 

Oh! Well, congratulations to me, I have quit drinking excessively as an Alcoholic (since my childhood days). Today was kind of one those "cheat days" as people call them. I did not drink too much so I'm okay still.

Goodness, I cannot remember the highlight of this post... oh wells. I guess I will work on sprucing up the rest of my past posts for now. 

Until next time (:

Saturday, December 28, 2013

Time Stands Still.

God tells us to "Be Still" yet I feel like I am stuck on pause, skipping on the record over and over. Being still and time standing still is two different thoughts. In the beginning of this blog, my posts seemed to make my life look chaotic and a never-ending fall; now I am sitting at my very computer typing away about how time has been standing still for my life.

I find it quite despicable when I see myself wasting precious time or just running around in circles getting nowhere in life. That's what it has come down to. Within the past couple weeks, I have said to myself "I have been getting nowhere in life" over a hundred times, okay that is an exaggeration but still! Roughly 20+ times...

Is that not ridiculous? I am quite the reason-er so I know when things are right and what should be done V.S. I know but am going to do it "this way" anyways. Basically, in context, my life seems slow at the moment but within the bigger picture- God is working his hands into my life. I am just stubborn enough to complain about how slow the progress is loading.

My life is currently like the downloading status, rather than 1% ---- 50% ---- to 100% Done, it just drags on as 1% ---- 1.5% ---- 3%---- and so on. No one likes downloading things that take forever, right? But then again our generations have been more impatient as technology becomes quicker.

Currently, working at a restaurant as a server is not a big deal but to me it is. I started waitressing at the age of 18 (not too shabby) and have since worked at probably 5+ different restaurants. In less than a week, I will be 22 years old. Wow, time sure does fly fast (haha, was I not just speaking of time being still?) Anyways, I keep telling myself that this is the last restaurant job I shall ever have- then I shall move onto a job that will advance in my future career.

Psychology is where I am headed as long as God intends so or I will go with whatever other plans He may have for me. I have always been intrigued by the abnormalities of our human selves and what might have possibly gone wrong since the fall of Adam and Eve. That is quite a far while back, is it not? I have a lot of catching up to do, I suppose.

I like to live in a way where everything I do benefits me, others around me, and God. Yet, here I am ... neither benefiting nor helping others. Just as I mentioned, time is standing still. The only thing moving in my life would be money. I work to earn money to pay for bills with money and to feed myself with money, etc. My job is a great paying job with tips coming from here and there but I am not satisfied. Most would be content with working a higher-end sushi restaurant and making $100+ in tips a night but not me. For me, money is not everything. I want to be in a work setting where I can grow spiritually, mentally, and maybe even healthily.

School is another. I have recently been accepted to the University of Washington, Tacoma which will be my first university I will be attending. Before then, I have been in nearly 4+ community colleges/technical college which just felt like running in circles once more.

Do you see where I am getting at now? Running in circles... broken record skipping, time standing still?

I do not want to mope around and say my whole life was pointless because that would be a lie. Everything I have gone through up until now, has been a learning experience and made me who I am today (although I may not be so proud of who I am).

They say the grass is greener on the other side right? Well not too long ago, I was told by a pastor, "The grass is only green on the side you water it". Have I been watering my grass? Or has it withered for 21 years? I think the latter. Or maybe even bits and pieces of my grass is green. I would start watering the grass and give up? Forget? Or simply put, pointless.

I need a change. How many people hear people say that all the time? (uhh.... one too many times). Well I know for a fact, I can sit here and complain about how I want to change my life or I can get up and make a change. Wait, but it isn't that easy... I cannot just drop all my luggage and start fresh... where will I go? What will I wear? What will I eat? I need my luggage to keep me in tact or else... I would be naked.

I have to make smart choices in my change. I have gone through this cycle so many times, "changing" who I am. But am never satisfied... why?

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Call it Fate.

Hey everyone, sorry I have not written in so long! There has been so much going on it is ridiculous. Good news is, I am learning to better myself and have come across some helpful resources. On the other hand, I still am struggling with overcoming my past issues.

This post is not going to be so much about me complaining but more on what God has been focusing in my life lately. I wanted to dedicate this post to someone special out there that might not even know I constantly think about him. Now, I just sound like stalker but hey, God sent this person into my life to show me a door God was opening in my life.

"I am who I am. I have hidden from people, the 'real' me".

Not too long ago, I was on this online dating site just for ol' time sakes because I was feeling a little down and thought of amusing myself with strangers. Usually, I keep my preferences top-notch so the weird people do not message me, although I cannot stop them. This time, which is different from all the other times I have been on dating sites, I wanted to mark a preference for "Christians". For the most part, it is the guys who will message me first rather than me having to initiate a conversation. But I did not feel like playing "Tag you're it, message me" so I peeked on this one profile and liked what I saw.

However, when I "view" someone's profile they would look at mine back and tend to message me if they like what they saw. But this one guy did not message me. But I liked what "I" saw, so I messaged him first. After all, I should take action for what I want, right?

He was a nice guy, he introduced himself with his name and what he does and where he goes to church? Now that normally is not included in a first-time conversation. He asked me where I go and I told him my situation. I could not exactly remember where he said he went because two days later after messaging, he deactivated his account. Bummer, I wanted to chat with him some more. I guess online dating sites was not his thing. That's okay though.

Now the focus of this post comes into play. I have been led astray from the church I have been going to for some time now and decided to take a break. One day, I decided to look around the internet to see what my options for churches were. Of course, I grew up in a Korean church and wanted to stay "connected'. But, that was not what God has intended for me this time around. He wanted me to step outside of my comfort zone. It was time to leave my pride for having the "perfect Korean-Focused" life. I have this complex with anything that has to do with being Korean. That's for another time.

So the guy I messaged with for roughly two days, I had the feeling he told me he attended Champions Centre Church, but then again it was only two days and I completely forgot where  he said he went. Well, I looked up the church on Yelp (as I am a huge Yelper) and noticed it was a somewhat large church. I decided one Saturday night, to attend their service. I thought it would be one of those "Friday Night Services" but on a Saturday. I arrived a little late but I was shocked! So many people? The Worship team looked like I was at a concert? Wow. It was amazing. Talk about, first impressions right? I enjoyed the worship, was eager for the sermon spoken by Pastor Kevin Gerald. He was a great speaker. I felt a connection to this church. The only problem was, majority of the congregation was "American" (whites, blacks, etc) and was so foreign for me. I did not know if I could last more than one service here.

Here I am, two weeks later- still attending Champions Centre. Secretly inside, I hope to find that one guy but who knows if I will ever meet him in person since this church is so huge plus, I do not know if this was the church he mentioned... Now the part about God opening a new door for me, I have been praying for God to guide me to a church where I would be able to grow spiritually. More than anything, I want to learn more about God and how to be in a relationship with Him. Maybe at the time, I was more interested in getting this guy's phone number but stepping back and seeing the bigger picture, I realized God might have sent this guy into my life just to send me a "unintentional message" that had to do with the church.

I took it as a cue and ever since then, I have attended one Saturday service, two Sunday services, and the best part is, I was able to learn about their "Celebrate Recovery" program on Tuesday nights. I have gone to two meetings so far and I am more than blessed to discover Champions Centre and their resources. Celebrate Recovery is kind of like a Church version of "Alcoholics Anonymous" but with more subjects that are covered. I definitely needed this.

I have been suffering from Anger, Alcoholism, Sexual Brokenness, Co-Dependency issues and more. This is where all the broken parts of me come into healing through this church. I am not only learning to step out of my comfort zone but am ready to acknowledge that I need help and healing from God. It is time for me to take action as God has shown me the path I must take in bettering myself. I even found my way to start volunteering at the church. To some, it may sound too soon that I started getting involved only after a mere two weeks, but for me- this is what I have been waiting for my whole life.

Who knows, maybe I will meet that one guy someday and be able to thank him for being a messenger of God to better my life, without even him knowing what he did for me. A step into changing my life for the better.