Sunday, October 22, 2017

As I Lay Here...

If I love him, I should let him sleep.

You would think that heing in a relationship means everything. However, sometimes it can be the loneliest feeling in the world. I used to think that if I was in a relationship, my life would be complete. I would have  someone to come home to, be loved, and enjoy life together but as of lately, why do I frel so alone?

Am I happy? Sure! I’m happy that I get to live with my prince charming. But it seems my happily ever after isn’t progressing?

When do we reach the point where we live on cloud 9? Or even our magical kingdom? Is that even a thing? It seems obstacle after obstacle I’m still fighting for happiness.

Sunday, February 12, 2017

At Last.

Tonight was one of the scariest moments I have faced in my life thus far.. and there couldn't have been a better way to end it either.

I have been driving for Uber/Lyft since November 2016 and lemme tell ya... so many damn pot holes in Portland. Wow.. who knew it was that bad? Speaking of pot holes, that's the very reason I was crying a river all alone and abandoned on the side of the freeway.

I used to not care about pot holes and be like "oops there it goes" and my sister would always complain how I don't avoid them. Fast foward to now, not only does my sister complain but my boyfriend has made a few comments regarding my disregard for avoiding pot holes. I can tell you.. after tonight, I have learned my lesson.

Well technically, I have been trying harder to avoid them and have gotten decent at dodging them but every now and then, those damn pot holes sneak up on me.

Like tonight.

I was driving at night, passenger in tow, on my way to drop him off and "BA DUNK!!!" And I'm like, "well that sounded painful". And the passenger agreed saying that one was bad.

A few minutes pass and I hear a weird noise coming from outside, praying that it wasn't my car. We ignored the sound as it slowly went away... dropped off the guy and I tried to find a well-lit parking lot to check my tire.

Well, what do you know.. my tire was going flat. Yikes... but that's fixable right?

... right??

I turn off my apps and find my way onto the freeway to get home as quickly and safely as possible knowing that I have a wonderful boyfriend who is skilled with his hands in fixing cars. Simple tire change shouldn't be too much of a hassle, right?

Literally 10 minutes onto the freeway, I start hearing a funny noise and become extremely paranoid that the one fear my mom has attached to my childhood was coming true.. 

(Rewind a bit: when I was younger, I would see shreds of tires on the side of the freeway and asked my mom how that happens. She told me the tire probably was damaged and it pops and shreds. I ask how would a person know it happens? She says it goes "POP!"

So as I hear a scraping noise, I quickly turned towards the shoulder of the freeway to check what happened. Now everything went slow-motion from this point on...

As I put my gear into park, I smell burning rubber... I look towards the right side of my windshield... and something crawls out the front .. as if it were tumbleweed... my tire had rolled off right before my eyes .. (about 15 feet).

At this point, I was freaking out and opened my car door and went to check it out, BOY HAVE I NEVER SEEN SOMETHING SO TRAUMATIC AS THIS! Especially on my new car... if it was my old car, I wouldn't be as upset.

My tire was bald... shredded... and just horrid to look at.

Not knowing what to do (my boyfriend was at work and he doesn't have his phone on him aside from break time, which wasn't for another hour), I immediately called his workplace and didn't have his extension number (which by the way, I have been asking him multiple times in case of an emergency, which I rarely ever have an emergency)... and the security guy on the phone says he is not 100% he can reach my boyfriend...

 I hang up and start panicking and cry my little eyeballs out in fear.

A few minutes go by and I get a call from his work, I muster up enough courage to answer hoping the security guy has contacted my boyfriend. I hear a familiar voice and start bawling some more trying to explain what happened as the whole scene replays in my head and nakes me cry even more.

I ask him to come and get me as I do not want to be alone and abandoned on the side of a freeway...
He says he will try and come as soon as possible. I wait and cry some more..

Finally I see the light, not that kind of light, I'm too young to see that "light".

He comes and comforts me. Tells me everything will be okay. He grabs the tools he need from the trunk of my car and switches out the spare tire. The day finally came where I have to use the ridiculous doughnut tire... how embarrassing. By the way, my old car doesn't even have a spare tire or tools to replace a tire... therefore it would have been a nightmare of a show calling a tow truck and the expenses that would bleed from my pockets.

He tells me he will be right behind me and to drive slowly... I start my car and drive as we both keep our emergency signals on... checking my mirror to see he is still behind me. My car kept wiggling as I tried to keep steady.. and finally made it home in one piece.

He came to my rescue. My darling prince charming came to rescue me. Now that's what I call happily ever after. Well it's only the beginning but, the most important part is: he came for me.

Thank you babe for being in my life <3

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Unconditional [Part 2].

Do soulmates exist?

Growing up, I always told my friends and family that I do believe in a happily ever after and that I will find my knight in shining armor someday.

Did they laugh and mock me? Sure they did.

But who's laughing now? Oh wait, that would be me! 

Oh boy, I'm getting goosebumps just thinking about writing this post because it is my very soulmate that inspires me to continue writing in this blog. 

So what makes my soulmate, my knight in shining armor you may ask?

Well, sorry to get your hopes up but that's a secret.

Now, I've counseled a lot of my friends growing up, whether it be relationship problems/advice, lifestyle choices, or even the simplest of "should I still be friends with her/him?" You know, I even had adults come up to me at some point while I was just in junior high/high school and ask me what life means, why is it so hard, and what can I do about it?

Luckily for them, I didn't have such an oblivious and fun childhood like the rest of them, I already started enduring pain, suffering, and even abuse. So I was able to share a piece of my wisdom and knowledge which then later helped them make some big life-changing choices. 

Any who, unconditional love is the topic for this post so let's stay on track. I brought up the previous comment because everyone believes that finding your "one true love", "prince charming", as well as my "knight in shining armor" means life will be great, right? Like Cinderella's happily ever after?

Nope, sorry friends, unfortunately that's not even the case for me. I endured so many hardships till now, I have been pained and scarred over the years, but still the troubles keep coming.

But that doesn't mean I have to do it alone. Aside from the chemical feeling of "loving" someone "unconditionally", there's much more backbone to it that most people don't see. Unconditional love is like the name of a recipe, there are much that goes in to make the final product. 

For example, how I make my Unconditional Love recipe:

2 cups of love (1 cup for myself and 1 cup for my partner)
2 cups of communication
3 cups of support (1 cup extra in case someone needs extra)
2 cups of respect
4 cups of loyalty (forever is a long time, better stock up)

.. and a sprinkle of humor

That sounds about right. Now, this is my first time making this recipe so there may be more to add as the time goes on but for now, I like how this tastes just fine. 

"A long time ago, I was at a church retreat I believe and a pastor once told the group, there was a man and wife who were extremely wealthy, had a couple of children, and their lives seemed great! 

There is also another couple, man and wife- with no children. They weren't extremely wealthy and were having some financial burden but that didn't stop them from being happy. 

Now both these couples are happy, right? But when the economy crashed the first man lost everything. Literally. His wife had left him and even took the kids. With no money..."

Apparently both of them won the lottery and blah blah okay, I kind of forgot how the story goes but I know the moral of the story because it has always has a place in my heart.

Basically the first wife was all about materialistic pleasures and lived such a comfortable lifestyle but once the family had no money she was panicked and her instincts probably told her to find a rich man to marry. 

The second couple is the one that inspires me the most. When you start a relationship from rock bottom, you build your foundation with nothing but each other. No fancy cars, fine dining at restaurants, and handbags but you give all you can even if love is the only thing you have to give.

*excuse me for a second while I wipe my tears, I seem to be getting emotional*

Where were we? Oh right, so I have met the most wonderful man I could possibly ever dream of by my side yet from the very beginning I kept telling him that I don't have much to offer. There are some in the past who had expected much more of me than I can give, some who have abused what I had, and others just took for granted. 

My partner told me that he's okay with what I don't have but to give wholeheartedly with what I do have and that was my "unconditional love" recipe. He has been worried lately because he has the biggest heart I have ever seen, always wanting to give me the whole world even if I don't ask for it.

We are going through some rough patches because I am currently unemployed as I search for the dreams I have locked away somewhere and seemed to have misplaced.

I am unhappy with the path I stumbled upon being a server for the last six years, confused and disarrayed... as I lose track of what my purpose was from the beginning. So with much support from my partner, I decided to take a big leap of faith and find a job/beginning of a career that I see myself enjoying for the rest of my life. 

As he worries about how we will manage the bills AND still give me the world, I tell him it's okay and that we will fight through it together. There is always a way. 

Saturday, November 5, 2016

Unconditional [Part 1].

Definition: not subject to any conditions

Let's think about those words and have it sink in.. deep into your mind.

Not ..

Subject ..

To ..

Any ..

Conditions ..

Now if I go onto Google and start by typing "unconditional", what would be the top 5 word pairings that would show up?

Let's give it a try.

Okay, that was fail.. I was hoping it would come more along the lines of:

--unconditional love
--unconditional support
--unconditional .. uh.. I'm running out of pairs.. maybe those are the top two..

The image above shows the word: agape.

Which means, unconditional love.

So with this all being said, what does unconditional mean to you?

When I think of the word unconditional. I think of a person who is willing to accept another person as they are, not what they have done in the past, present, or will do in the future but as a whole.

I have struggled to experience this unconditional love that is supposed to be the greatest feeling in the world. I looked in the wrong places, wrong people, and only ended hopeless.

Until the day I met my soulmate.

Sunday, October 16, 2016


So .. I was bored and went on Netflix to watch a movie.. and I ended up watching this one Korean movie called "Hope".

If you haven't heard of it, it's about a young girl who gets kidnapped, raped, and physically beaten... and I graduated in Psychology.. taken classes in family violence.. and mental disorders.. but it hurts each time to see such or hear such stories.. of children being abused in any kind of form.. i.e. mental, physical, sexual..

I've volunteered as well as worked in environments where it's mandatory to watch out for signs of abuse and neglect.. and luckily I don't think I have come close to reporting such case.

I myself.. have been a victim of child abuse as well other forms in my past time .. and it's not easy.

However, I have learned to erase most of those memories and cannot recall... 90% of what has happened to me.. only faint memories of some incidents..

I find myself thankful everyday that I am able to be healthy, try to live a normal life, and function with minimal trauma... and mental damage.

I knew the world was a mean and cruel place.. but it always hurts to hear such stories.. like why? Why does this happen? In the movie... the girl was so badly beaten and raped... that her large intestine was removed, had to surgically create an artificial anus using the small intestine... and it's just so painful..

On snapchat the other day... there was a clip about sex trafficking and that is another part of the world... I keep my prayers.. only if this world was safer and better... for children as well as adults.

Le sighs..

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Happy Lists.

I went to Urban Outfitters today.. thanks to my best friend who likes to shop there because I kind of don't like their style.

Being all nerdy and such, I ended up spending most of my time near the books they had on display.

One of them was called: 52 Lists for Happiness... unfortunately that book was way too pricey for my taste so instead I decided to take a picture of all 52 lists in the contents section.

That gave me an idea earlier on my way home and decided to flashback to our good ol' Myspace days, when we would fill out surveys/questionnaires and post them on our profiles.

I decided to choose 10 of the 52 lists to write out how I am currently feeling in my life! Sounds like fun, right? Plus, I can get my fingers warmed up for a little writing exercise!

Here we go!

1. List what makes you happy right now...

*What makes me happy? Well as of right now, I met my one and only soulmate as of recent and my life couldn't get any better than that! We also just got back from our first official trip together to SoCal and that was an amazing adventure even though we didn't do anything super elaborate.

Oh wait.. I'm suppose to make a list... I'm not in school.. I don't need to write short essays.

Okay, so .. let's see.. hmm..

*My soulmate
*Delilah (my mutt of a dog)
*Friends and family
*A place to call home (moving in one week)
* MY CLAWS! (jk.. acrylic nails... thanks babe)
*The roses in front of me from our trip

3. List the things that you are really good at

*Shopping-Sales & Deals
*Being random

5. List the best choices you have made in your life so far

*Overcoming suicidal thoughts
*Adopting Delilah
*Meeting my soulmate
*Never giving up

8. List all the little things you like to do that don't involve technology

*Quality time with Delilah
*Holding hands with my soulmate
* Eating delicious food
*Going for walks
*Gazing at the stars
*Drinking a glass of wine
*Spending time with friends and family

9. List all the little things that happened today that brought you joy

*Seeing my best friend
*Eating ramen
*Shoe shopping (even though I didn't buy any)
*Taking a nap
*Homemade Chicken Fried Rice and Kimchi
*Seeing my man during his break (about a 20 mile drive)

24. List every color you can think of and what mood you associate with each color

*Red: anger..
*Pink: shy..embarrassed..
*Blue: calm.. cool.. collected..
*Yellow: nervous... antsy..
*White: peace, pure, clean...
*Green: energetic... active..
*Purple: pleasant.. satisfactory...
*Brown: earthy.. grounded..
*Black: darkness.. void... emptiness...
*Orange: stressed... confused..
*Grey: mellow.. down.. gloomy..

So... for green and orange I couldn't think of a mood so I decided to cheat and look online... for clues such as coding for mood rings and such.

28. List the projects you have been meaning to work on and finish

*Work out routine
*Art (painting, crafts, drawing...)
*Learn recipes
*Web Design
*Computer games...
*Walking Delilah

42. List the ways money cannot buy happiness

I thought this one would be easy but it's actually a lot harder than I thought...

*True love
*Real friends
*Happiness itself?

45. List the things, people, and experiences you want to say yes to

*Marry the man of my dreams
*Finding the perfect home
*To a life full of adventures

50. List some images that make you happy

Oh this one's easy peasy!

*Food in general...
*My partner
*Clothes Style
*Nail Designs
*Interior/Exterior Architecture

.. I'm basically listing off what I see most on my instagram! haha..

Okay, I'm pretty exhausted... too much thinking for one night. Good night world!

Saturday, October 1, 2016

As The Rain...

pitter patter.. goes the raindrops above my head.

I've always disliked the rain.

The rain reminds me of the tears I shed at night.. as winter comes, the nights grow colder.

But I guess it's all about perspective, right? I mean for the first time in my life, I didn't think so negatively about the rain. I actually felt a soothing presence as I heard the raindrops hit the rooftop.

Since my last post, a lot has changed. But then again, aren't all my posts dramatic as the gaps grow longer when I don't post?

Today, someone reminded me of the blog I started with a purpose years ago and realized... I should keep it going because it is a reminder of the life long journey I accepted to face.

Whatever happened to the guy I was seeing a few months ago? Let's just say it was another trial and error type of experience in life. I mean, I have dated all kinds of guys from one of the spectrum to another but the last one was the most difficult.

You know why?

Here's a little tip for those who are lost:
"Don't ever let your guard down no matter how sweetly they whisper into your ears".

I had the unfortunate experience of letting my guard down fully only to experience the worst type of heartache possible. There were so many promises made yet... all I ended up with was stepping on shards of glass. The mirror I was looking into was only a fantasy, one that cannot be obtained.

Don't you ever believe in such empty promises. This world is full of emptiness, lies, and pain but don't lose hope because through every storm, comes a rainbow.

I have found my rainbow at last.