Sunday, April 26, 2015

You Worry Too Much.

Yep, who doesn't worry "too much"?

I don't even have a pun for worrying as much as I do.

I mean, c'mon I'm only 23 years old, give me a break.
Nonetheless, my soul is of a 50+ year old.

A side story of my background and why my soul is 50+ years old:
As the oldest in the family and first generation to move to the U.S. from S. Korea, I basically had to step into BOTH my parents' shoes as soon as I could start speaking English.

Boy' I will tell you, I had one hell of a miserable childhood. Oh wait, I didn't get a childhood. I had "adulthood" slapped onto my face since I could start speaking the 'American' language.

All the worries and paranoia my parents' had about hiding from people who ring our doorbells to calling customer service hotlines every other day, things were tough.

Everyone experiences their own level of stress/worry in their lives and I'm not saying that mine's the worst. One of my hugest pet peeves is when they say "there are far worse-off people out there". Uh, sorry to burst your bubble but, I wasn't talking about someone else... I'm talking about me because I am ME.

What inspired me to write this post?

Well if you would like to know, there was going to be an 'annual unit inspection' going on at the apartment I currently reside in. What's wrong with that scenario? Not much unless you aren't on the lease and you have a dog that growls at strangers from a room with closed doors...

Why am I not on the lease? Well almost a year ago around this time, I left my one-year contract lease from the previous apartment and was planning on staying with my dad and sister (whom are on the current lease + a cat) for a few months until I moved to California. Yep, plan L.A. was back in action.

What changed?

I met the love of my life at the last event I was celebrating my departure; Paradiso 2014.

Anyways, since then, I've stayed at this apartment without adding my name or dog to the lease because we all know how pricey it can get. Especially when my dog isn't a tiny little chihuahua or poodle. She's about 35-40 pounds and it's usually more expensive on pet deposit policies.

So the lady came while my boyfriend and I were leaving for the day and THANK GOD, literally, there was a unfamiliar face who came for the inspection. I knew the two ladies who managed the apartment complex but this lady was new. Later, I found out from my sister that there was a new manager in town.

In the end, she was inside for like 30 seconds, said I'm good to go, and we parted ways.

Moral of the story? I worried over my head for nothing. My parents' have built a default-worry/paranoia mindset whenever the smallest of things could "possibly" go wrong.

Until next time,
XOXO Alekkz

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Foodie 4 Lyfe.

My previous post was about how I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life right?

Well, 10 seconds after I posted that piece... I realized "DUH!" food.

I consider myself as a foodie.

So what did my little eager-thinking brain do? Google it of course.

Now, I've researched my way towards careers involving food before. I even went back to the beginning of this blog to see how indecisive I have been over the past few years on what I wanted to become when I grew up. According to this blog, I left off at wanting to be a RD but quit as soon as I realized how science-math related it was.

In case I come back crawling to this post to see where I was at in a few months or years. I wanted to make note of what I was thinking at this moment.

I am currently reading this article that discusses "top 10 jobs for foodies", I'm going to finish reading it and make a list of which are most appealing to me.

10. Food Stylist [self-explanatory]
9. Food Educator [teaching children; naturally drawn to gardening and cooking]
8. Food Entrepreneur [creating new foods]

6. Food Writer/Blogger [passionate about food && writing]

2. Nutritionist ["culinary knight in shining armor"]

Well there you have it, out of 10, these are the ones I found most delectable. I mean, interesting.

Now I'm going to make a tally chart of how many times I come across a certain "title" that catches my eyes:

Food Critic/Writer [xxx]
Nutritionist [xx]
Baker/Pastry Chef [xx]

Hmm, so it looks like these are my top 3 winners. Not too surprised since these are probably the 3 I constantly think of when it comes to careers in the food industry that would suit me well. Not bad at all.

*Another thing to keep in mind, studying nutrition via degree route involves a lot more heavy science-based courses whereas certification programs are more towards "practical" nutritional education.

From this point on, what I need to is: whenever I hesitate on what I want to do in life or like to do in life --> focus on the word "food". I want to eat food, I want to make food, I want to work with food, I want to write about food, I want to take pictures of food. Food, food, and more food. I should basically stamp the word "food" on my forehead!

What would be the next step for me be?

Perhaps, make a foodie blog right?

Uh, yea... unfortunately I have thought of that idea many times over. However, I can't seem to get a grip on how I would structure such a blog. Maybe, that will be my homework.

Until next time,
XOXO Alekkz

Who Am I?

Every inspirational post I read about always starts with "know who you are", "what you want in life", and other statements that include a little something about oneself.

What if I don't know who I am?

What if I don't know what I want?

What if I have no purpose?

Cherish you memories, they say. What memories? What if I can't recall any good memories? I can say right off the bat, I have more bad memories than good and of those bad, I have forced myself to erase from my mind the existence of such horrid memories.

Here I am at 12:48AM, googling myself away at "how to be successful", "how to be happy in life"...

If you know me on a personal level, I am always spouting the word "happiness" like a whale spouting water out of it's blowhole.

I'm not asking for anything expensive, time-consuming, or impossible.

Just simply happiness.

But I can't seem to find it. Or see it. Maybe, I'm allergic to happiness?

I am unsatisfied with everything in life right now, perhaps because nothing is going my way?

I am not that selfish of a person, I know things happen in life that I can't control and such.

I don't even know what I am posting about right now.

All I know is, I can't sleep and I am just... rambling on. This seems to be the only place I can simply ramble on about nonsense.

People seem to find their "niche" or something they enjoy doing. I want to find something I enjoy. But when I do find something, cost is always an issue. For example, I'd love to learn pastries and go to school but a 2 year program costs more than a 4 year degree in some cases.

What am I supposed to do then?

Every time I want to do something, I reach a dead end. There's no way I can just pluck money off of a tree in the backyard. Life's just so unfair.

Until next time,
XOXO Alekkz

Saturday, April 4, 2015

Ah, it's been so long! I feel like it's always been forever

But I am here to announce:

So I made a bold move and quit my job and unfortunately I had to let go of my volunteering work at an elementary school teaching 1st graders how to read.

I have been stressed so much that I just can't do anything anymore. My body is physically deteriorating and I can barely get out of bed. It's getting so hard for me yet I'm the bread winner of the family.

My dad has been laid off for months, my sister barely makes anything and my mom is undergoing surgery soon and struggles within the work field because she has no experience (also moved back to Korea).

I tried to balance full-time school, almost full-time hours at work, and volunteering. 

I've been living this lifestyle since I was young and never focused on myself nor did I ever take care of myself. I finally decided, I need to start taking care of myself if I want to get married in the future, have my own children and start my future career.

I'm scared because I won't be able to work and make money to be financially stable but I do have some money saved up for now. I am also moving to a different state in 3 months which is a concern, financially.

I'm also excited because I finally will have free time to focus on school, pick up that pencil/ paintbrush again to create art (I've been rusty for over 10 years). To work on my mag. clipping art, jigsaw puzzles, I have so much to catch up on! I have to make tons of kandi for EDC and Paradiso too.

Please, keep me in your prayers <3

-One step closer to my happiness-

Thursday, January 1, 2015

2015 Here I am!

Is it just me or did others anticipate 2015 to be the beginning to a great ending? Not to say that our time is ending any time soon but ~ I have waited so long for my life to turn a new leaf.

I recently was referred to watch a documentary called "The Secret". One thing I took out of that documentary was the "Law of Attraction".

Pertaining to the idea that a person's emotions and thoughts can attract positive experiences to flourish in their lives. I have been trying to think more positively and I don't know if it has been working but things seem to be going well.

I put 2015 on a pedestal for the remainder of 2014 hoping it will be the beginning of a new era for me. Not even a chapter, a whole "era" is what I need in my life. Things have been so topsy-turvy that I am just sick to my stomach (metaphorically speaking).

Today is the first day of the year of 2015 and I am so glad to have put 2014 behind me so that I may be able to move forward. It's not about what other people think about me, how they can enforce rules upon me (mainly parents), or what I think about how people see me. It's time to be myself 100% without any exceptions.

I am a free soul to travel the depths of this world on an everlasting journey. This blog awaits my future trips on where life will take me.

Until next time,
XOXO Alekkz

Friday, December 19, 2014

A Single Bloom.

... is all it takes to change one's life. Whether you are new to this blog or a lovely follower (whom I apologize for being so inconsistent...), I started this blog in spite of ranting and keeping record of how wishy-washy roller-coaster-y ... my life is. As your read, you can tell that there has been some temporarily exciting events that may have come to be. For the most part it has been painful and gruesome.

"So why is she here again... it's not like she keeps us up to date on what her life is about like she said she would?" Because this is my blog and I do what I want. Yep, I said it. Honestly, this isn't the blog I write so that people would find it inspiring? Nah. I just write a bunch of rand stuff.

What's new? Recently I just found out that I won't be graduating college in the upcoming Spring... Why? I somehow missed the part where it says I need 53 more credits to graduate whereas I looked only at the degree requirements for my major. Basically, my whole plans on re-moving back to California has been a bust. Take 105, scene 1.... I don't even know how many times I have tried to escape this dreaded place called Washington.. nonetheless Tacoma.

Next... I was about to go to the bestest rave a newbie girl can imagine but that was a fail too. I was planning on going to EDC Las Vegas and that's what a raver girl dreams of until TomorrowLand and the bigger ones in Europe haha. Within the states anyways... Me not being able to go is for another time to share.

Thanksgiving was a turnover... definitely declared war on my dad's side of the family... because they are just... can't even say.

Other than that.. I think things are going alright.. OH RIGHT... I totally spaced on what this post was supposed to be about!

Silly me... I guess that's another thing I should mention... I started my THC ways in life and woo, it floods my mind with inspiring/wisdom-filled thoughts.

I don't want to jinx myself but things seem to be turning a new leaf for me in life. I will have to wait a little longer to find out if it's too good to be true like it usually is... for me.

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Did you ever think, "This is the end?"

Perhaps that this is the end of the road? There is no continuing on from here?

I sure have. Plenty of times. Thinking "this is it, this draws the line".

If that doesn't catch your drift how about this one- you know which direction you are supposed to be going but you close your eyes and walk the opposite way to avoid the truth and its reality.

I can tell you that I've been at both ends several times and am still Lost. That's just it! Lost. I'm a lost child just like many others. I don't know where my place in life is and I keep wandering around wondering what could possibly be left for me out in this big bad world. I constantly hear the word "nothing" being whispered through my ear while my heart tells me to keep going and look for the better things in life.

Why continue to rant? when everyone else is taking the easy way out. Committing their own deaths. Now, that's too overrated and dramatic. I don't think that's ever the right answer. Sure, I have thought of it more times than I can count the years of my existence. It doesn't end there neither will my spirit. If you know me personally, you would know that I will never settle for less.

So if that option is not available, what have I been doing all this time to keep myself sane? Well that's the point. I'm not "sane". I don't think anyone in this lifetime is. Everyone's got their own little "kookoo" inside them.

I just do a better job of hiding it rather than expressing those emotions.

You hear about social help groups, friends and families, but you know what? That doesn't always work. We aren't all born to fit into a cookie cutter. Some have special needs that will require attention.

"Find an outlet" they say... Oh trust me, I have tried several different outlets in life and every single one of them had led me back to step 1. So tell me, "what am I doing wrong"?

I'm not listening to myself. For a split second- I need to just let everything go, drop it, sit and listen. What is my mind and body telling me? What is it that I need? This world is full of chaos and hype and we are too busy for ourselves now.

I am still a Lost child and searching for my inner peace but I pray for all those on a similar journey like mine.

-Just another Lost child,