Saturday, April 6, 2013

Help Me.

I am being pushed off a cliff... 15+ years of my life. I feel as if... I have reached the
"now or never" jump scene. My dad has finally reached his "mid-life crisis" and I am being
pulled down with him, as always, even in my junior high days. 

I had always been responsible for taking care of the customer service calls, ordering food over the counter, and multiple attendings to my younger sisters' award nights, parent-teacher conferences... etc. 

My parents... either did not have the time... cannot speak English... or did not want to go. Being the oldest child has benefits and many consequences.

My dad one day asked me, "Daughter, would you choose L.A. or New York?" I just stood there speechless. For as long as I can remember, I wanted to live in L.A., sure it would be GREAT if my whole family came along... but I knew my dad had his whole life wrapped around Washington. He always told me he could NEVER leave... now he wants to go on a whim!

Seriously? This has to be a joke. My dad has no plans whatsoever, no money saved up, nothing. He just wants to drop everything [barely anything left] and just go butt naked to L.A. and start this ... "fresh life" he has going on his head. 

Of course, as the oldest, I ended up taking responsibility for making the plans and such for this move. I started looking for apartments-with much difficulty as I have a 40 pound dog accompanying me... which is NOT easy to find an apartment that allows such size.

[Excluded is the part about... my personal troubles I faced during my dad's craziness].

In the end, I decided to give up, I cannot do this. God will only give me how I can handle... and I started taking on my dad's baggage... one by one and now... I am carrying more than half of his baggage... it's not right. I was mad at God, thinking "Why God? Why are you making my life so hard right now?" I realized I am taking the "blame" for my dad when he is supposed to face the consequences

I watched and listened to a sermon on YouTube by Francis Chan, link below.

It took a whopping 1 hour to sit through yet I am so thankful for God using this wonderful person to speak to me and reach out when I have been skipping church for the past month and a half. I had ignored all my friends' phone calls, texts, and messages... I wanted to be alone. With my alcohol

I suffered through minor alcoholism... which started not that long ago and am still struggling.

This sermon showed me that I need to stop taking in my dad each time he makes his mistakes, I have to worry about myself, not him. Even if he is my father... God has a plan for him in his own time. I cannot keep butting in. I need to take care of myself.

I have never known myself to the fullest, I still do not, and am struggling to find what my true identity is and what God's purpose is for me. I constantly fight with myself on what I want to major in at school... what career I am going to have... when I will get married?

School has been put on hold, my dreams have been put on hold, basically my life has been put on hold.

All because of my dad. He being the head of the household, has dragged me down... yet I am still at his side thinking one day he will rise again but it has gone too far.

I will not... be dragged down with him anymore. I am going to do my own thing now. I am going to get back on MY OWN FEET and praise the God I did before all this happened. I could not pray anymore... nor worship God... I was angry at him. 

Time has come to change myself, for the better.

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