Saturday, December 28, 2013

Time Stands Still.

God tells us to "Be Still" yet I feel like I am stuck on pause, skipping on the record over and over. Being still and time standing still is two different thoughts. In the beginning of this blog, my posts seemed to make my life look chaotic and a never-ending fall; now I am sitting at my very computer typing away about how time has been standing still for my life.

I find it quite despicable when I see myself wasting precious time or just running around in circles getting nowhere in life. That's what it has come down to. Within the past couple weeks, I have said to myself "I have been getting nowhere in life" over a hundred times, okay that is an exaggeration but still! Roughly 20+ times...

Is that not ridiculous? I am quite the reason-er so I know when things are right and what should be done V.S. I know but am going to do it "this way" anyways. Basically, in context, my life seems slow at the moment but within the bigger picture- God is working his hands into my life. I am just stubborn enough to complain about how slow the progress is loading.

My life is currently like the downloading status, rather than 1% ---- 50% ---- to 100% Done, it just drags on as 1% ---- 1.5% ---- 3%---- and so on. No one likes downloading things that take forever, right? But then again our generations have been more impatient as technology becomes quicker.

Currently, working at a restaurant as a server is not a big deal but to me it is. I started waitressing at the age of 18 (not too shabby) and have since worked at probably 5+ different restaurants. In less than a week, I will be 22 years old. Wow, time sure does fly fast (haha, was I not just speaking of time being still?) Anyways, I keep telling myself that this is the last restaurant job I shall ever have- then I shall move onto a job that will advance in my future career.

Psychology is where I am headed as long as God intends so or I will go with whatever other plans He may have for me. I have always been intrigued by the abnormalities of our human selves and what might have possibly gone wrong since the fall of Adam and Eve. That is quite a far while back, is it not? I have a lot of catching up to do, I suppose.

I like to live in a way where everything I do benefits me, others around me, and God. Yet, here I am ... neither benefiting nor helping others. Just as I mentioned, time is standing still. The only thing moving in my life would be money. I work to earn money to pay for bills with money and to feed myself with money, etc. My job is a great paying job with tips coming from here and there but I am not satisfied. Most would be content with working a higher-end sushi restaurant and making $100+ in tips a night but not me. For me, money is not everything. I want to be in a work setting where I can grow spiritually, mentally, and maybe even healthily.

School is another. I have recently been accepted to the University of Washington, Tacoma which will be my first university I will be attending. Before then, I have been in nearly 4+ community colleges/technical college which just felt like running in circles once more.

Do you see where I am getting at now? Running in circles... broken record skipping, time standing still?

I do not want to mope around and say my whole life was pointless because that would be a lie. Everything I have gone through up until now, has been a learning experience and made me who I am today (although I may not be so proud of who I am).

They say the grass is greener on the other side right? Well not too long ago, I was told by a pastor, "The grass is only green on the side you water it". Have I been watering my grass? Or has it withered for 21 years? I think the latter. Or maybe even bits and pieces of my grass is green. I would start watering the grass and give up? Forget? Or simply put, pointless.

I need a change. How many people hear people say that all the time? (uhh.... one too many times). Well I know for a fact, I can sit here and complain about how I want to change my life or I can get up and make a change. Wait, but it isn't that easy... I cannot just drop all my luggage and start fresh... where will I go? What will I wear? What will I eat? I need my luggage to keep me in tact or else... I would be naked.

I have to make smart choices in my change. I have gone through this cycle so many times, "changing" who I am. But am never satisfied... why?

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