Sunday, March 13, 2016

Body Image.

For those of you who know me personally or seen me walk the streets, people say "You are not FAT. You are so skinny..."

Society has brainwashed people into thinking that if you aren't huge as an elephant or have visible rolls sticking out of your abdomen, you aren't really considered fat.

Maybe in the past, I misused the words "I'm so FAT". I have changed my wording and now I say I am not fat necessarily but have stubborn areas that make me feel insecure. 

This is one of the most difficult topics to be writing about but the first step of recover is admitting that I have a problem. 

I was never morbidly obese, thankfully but I do have a sister who struggles with weight issues as well. 

I have always considered myself to unattractivefat, and pathetic. I also have a major issue with stress-eating. As well as bored-eating but the stress eats are my main concern. I usually don't have much of an appetite to begin with throughout the day but over the years, my stress levels have sky-rocketed into the galaxies beyond and you know what that means...

Galaxies full of binge-eating unnecessary junk... I am constantly eating and if I am not, I find an excuse to roam around the fridge and pantries looking for something to eat. 

People have told me many times over: 
1. go to the gym
2. work out
3. keep yourself busy
4. find an activity you enjoy..

I have tried to restrain myself from buying junk food and eating clean... that only lasts for so long.

I have signed up for over 3+ gym memberships in my lifetime and each has failed pathetically...
Something about going to the gym... disgusts me. I hate it from the inside out ... I just get so emotionally drained when I think about going to the gym.. 

I tried yoga a couple times but that failed mainly due to a lack of motivation however yoga is something I really want to discipline myself to do on a regular basis. For the purposes of: 

1. Mind and Body connection
2. Toning
3. Finding peace
4. Flexibility

I"m not the type of person who's blindly obsessed with losing weight without trying. I admire hard work and dedication but I lack so much discipline... I can't find myself to stick to anything I give a try. 

I constantly compare myself to other girls who are slender... fit and toned.. I ask myself why I can't be like that? And I know I can!! I do ... just that MOTIVATION is somewhere in the ocean and I need to fish it out.

I don't know what to do.. because I feel like I'm falling into a never-ending black hole each time I look at myself in the mirror... or trying on clothes that don't look good because of my fat... I just want to crawl up into a ball and cry...

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