I can't seem to remember all the details of what I do throughout the day so I decided to write down the moments I spend with him.
There are an infinite number of moments I am not proud of... My past belongs in the past. There's no need to bring up something that's happened and gone. I am on a life-long expedition to accept myself for who I am and not what I am. I expect the same of the person I plan on spending the rest of my days with.
Life is just a deck of cards waiting to be dealt. You never know which cards you will receive, whether they will be a winning hand or a losing one. You can't win if you don't try...
Tonight, I decided to put my all in, regardless if I come out a winner or if I end up losing everything.
I want to be with someone who can accept all of me. Not 99.9999% but 100% maybe even 110%!
Wait, scratch that thought, not "want"; I need someone who can accept me as a whole.
When I walked out of his car the other night, I thought it was the end. There was no way this was going to continue... I mean I felt like I should have stayed in the car to talk about what happened but ... I was afraid. I was too scared to hear what would come out of his mouth.
I know when I am not wanted... and I didn't want to be rejected in that manner.
He texted me and said let's think about things for a few days and talk about what's going to happen.
I agreed, but today was one of the hardest days of my life. Not seeing him? I felt like I was slowly dying from the inside out. I wanted to see him so badly... but I told myself I had to wait till tomorrow.
As it turns out, I wasn't the only one feeling this way. He wanted to see me too. We met up and had the talk we were waiting for ... and with him, it's always "all or nothing". There is no half-assing something, either you do or don't.
I wanted to show him how I truly felt... but I was afraid once more. What did I have to lose right? I mean I lost everything already but something about him... I felt I needed to keep my guard up. I've been hurt so many times before that I've become numb to everything.
But with him? I felt something. For once, in a really long time, I felt like I was human again... He made me feel like I was a real person.
Since the moment I met him, he felt unappreciative of the acts of service he presented towards me but deep down all I could think about is... how I lack so much... I am unworthy of a being such as him... What could I possibly offer him?
I don't know if he can still accept me as a whole and love me unconditionally but I have to try right? I have to take a leap of faith...